TORONTO – Local dorkazoid Lewis Milliken has turned down a knuckle sandwich being offered by several men in a dark alleyway, preferring instead to get a healthier alternative.
“Normally I’d say yes but I’m on this new diet,” said Milliken, adjusting his taped up glasses. “It’s based on what Klingons eat in Star Trek, which is no carbs but a lot of meat and, surprisingly, vegetables. Well, surprising if you know how warlike the Klingons are. Anyway, if you had some sort of knuckle-based leafy green I’d certainly be interested!”
Milliken then attempted to get back on the sidewalk by pushing past the three large men who had slowly surrounded him.
“Look I don’t mean to be rude, but I think I’ve been pretty clear. If you don’t have a healthier option, I’m not interested,” said Milliken in his high, nasal voice as the men closed in around him. “Or maybe I’ll just have whatever you’re having. Goodness you boys are big!”
At press time, Milliken was in stable condition.