PENNSYLVANIA – After being charged with sexual assault Bill Cosby has unintentionally said 36 different female names when answering questions from reporters. “Charges? Oh of course the charges a...
TTC reminds commuters not to lick subway tracks
TORONTO – In a repeat of last year’s campaign, the Toronto Transit Commission is reminding commuters not to leave the safety of subway platforms to lick the tracks. “You’re not impressing anyone...
Local dogs excited
TORONTO – A group of happy little buddies’ ears perked up earlier this week, as efforts were made to determine who among them was a good boy or girl. Upon discovery that they were in fact all go...
Smarter-than-average bear seems to have fashioned crude shiv
JELLYSTONE PARK, WY – A local bear seems to have used his higher-than-normal intelligence to turn a crushed soda can into some manner of rudimentary knife. “I’ve caught this bear trying to steal...
Worker bees unionize
MEDICINE HAT, AB – For the first time in apiary history, worker bees are organizing to stand up for their basic rights. “People think bees don’t need to sleep,” said Worker Bee #458909. “We just...
‘Brass Band of Brothers’ becomes HBO’s worst ever show
After years as a home of critically-acclaimed television, HBO has begun to air a brass-instrument-themed spinoff of Band of Brothers: a show that critics are calling not only one of HBO’s, but one of ...
Liberals caught transporting planes full of mannequins to meet refugee intake targets
OTTAWA – In a stunning scandal which has caught the eye of people from all sides of the political spectrum, 12 recently landed planes supposedly carrying Syrian refugees have been revealed to be popul...
Frustrated novelist struggling to write scene where main character opens pickle jar
TORONTO – Writer Alice Nguyen has found herself completely unable to complete a pivotal moment in her novel in which her main character, Michael, opens a pickle jar. “I just can’t find his motiv...
Hard hitting journalist wins ninth consecutive title fight
OTTAWA, ON – For the ninth year in row, featured correspondent for the Ottawa Citizen David Suplin has defended his title has National Journalist Fighting Lightweight champion. Suplin, known for...
Man late to conversation wants to know what you guys are talking about
TORONTO – Recent studies have shown that local man Derek Waverly, who arrived late to your conversation at the office holiday party, is nonetheless interested in knowing what you guys are discus...
