TORONTO – In spite of four previous years’ worth of contrary evidence, local man Jeff Andrews is firm in his belief that he can handle a cigar without becoming horribly ill this New Year’s Eve.
“Umm, I’m pretty sure I know what I can handle,” said Andrews, who has not smoked once since New Year’s Eve 2014.
Friends report that Andrews’ tobacco sickness has become a yearly tradition, though none can think of a reason for the pattern of self-destructive behaviour.
“It’s kind of a mystery,” said close friend Rab Ironsi. “It’s like how whenever we go out for wings he orders the hottest ones on the menu. Admittedly, now he can finish one before the weeping starts.”
Despite the uncertainty surrounding his motivation, Andrews’ tobacco sickness has been noted to follow an uncannily predictable course of events.
“Jeff starts smoking a cigar with us,” began acquaintance Salina Tsing. “We finish, and then he rushes to finish. He throws up, drinks a cold glass of water, throws THAT up, and then sleeps it off on a couch until 1AM. That’s when round two starts.”
“What doesn’t he get about the whole “don’t inhale, never inhale” thing?”
Ignoring the naysayers, Andrews remains confident that “[he’ll] be fine this year” and has already begun to yet again shock his body with an unfamiliar amount of nicotine and ruin a potentially lovely evening.
“This cigar is great, you can really taste the subtle flavours,” said Andrews, turning pale. “Flavours like smoke, and burning.”
At press time, Andrews was passed out and dreaming of cool he’ll look with a cigar in 2016.