Ireland votes to legalize open bar gay weddings

IRELAND – After a long fight over equality, Ireland has voted to legalize marriages between any same-sex couples that are willing to pay the tab. “Weddings are a beautiful thing,” said Iris…

Harper agrees to English TV debate provided he has no opponents, questions

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has agreed to participate in a televised English debate under the condition that he will be the only candidate present and no questions are asked. Har…

Report: Who’s A Good Boy?

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Hollywood hires younger actress to play Maggie Gyllenhaal

LOS ANGELES – After concerns about natural human aging surfaced earlier this week, studio executives are now seeking a younger actress to play Maggie Gyllenhaal. “We love Maggie, we really …

Ministry of Agriculture seeks interns for exciting new Harvest Sacrifice position

OTTAWA – The Ministry of Agriculture is reaching out to recent university and college graduates to fill unpaid internship positions related to the upcoming 2015 Harvest Sacrifice. “This is …

Babcock joins Leafs in bid to show league winning isn’t everything

TORONTO – Former Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock has signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs to demonstrate there’s more to professional hockey than just winning and making the playoffs. “There …

Patients wanting to reduce wait times for organs encouraged to buy NHL franchises

TORONTO – Following Eugene Melynk’s successful liver surgery, doctors are encouraging patients waiting for lifesaving organ donations to consider purchasing an NHL team, preferably one that…

40 minute hold with Rogers ends exactly as man starts to urinate

KITCHENER, ON – Well over half an hour into the hold Jason DeMark was placed on by Canada’s largest cable and wireless provider, his need to go to the bathroom finally overwhelmed him and he bega…

I love riding my Sea-Doo at the cottage vs. Thanks for ruining my peaceful holiday weekend at the cottage, asshole

Point: I love riding my Sea-Doo at the cottage By: Brayden Gregorsen I have worked hard to get where I am today. And you have too. That is why we deserve to live take pleasure in the simple thing…

Tough Guy Lobby launches campaign to reclaim tattoos from nation’s hipsters

WINNIPEG – Speaking from a national summit of the Canadian Tough Guy Lobby, spokesman Brick “Brick House” Hammers has announced a nationwide campaign aimed at reclaiming tattoos from Canada…