NEW YORK CITY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will fall 12 cents compared to the US dollar in the coming weeks after they use an astoundingly sophisticated method of borderline-legal purchasing maneuvers to artificially devalue the currency.
“We expect the next few months will see a lower exchange rate [for the Canadian dollar] in the face of US economic recovery, higher than usual oil production, and thousands of shell companies acting as seemingly independent economic actors to covertly suppress demand,” said GS strategist Theo Woodsworth.
The dollar has already fallen significantly in the last two years before seeming to stabilize in recent weeks, but now GS analysts foresee that unbeknownst to most people, certain “market forces” will “crest”, causing the value of the Canadian dollar to “drop with punishing force for exactly two months.”
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein reassured investors worried about putting their hard earned money in something as speculative as currency that, “no one can stop us now.”
The model also predicts the exchange rate will even out, back to slightly below parity throughout the remaining quarters, “just in time for cross-border Christmas shopping.”
When asked to indicate the greater economic consequences, Woodsworth predicted that the price drop will be very similar to Goldman Sachs’ actions regarding commodity manipulation exacerbating the global food crisis in developing nations, in that, he will receive a very large bonus.
