CUPERTINO, CALIF. – In an open letter to consumers, Apple CEO Tim Cook promised to fight a recent court order forcing the company to assist the FBI in hacking San Bernadino shooter Sayed Farook’s iPhone, saying that doing so would violate Apple’s monopoly on exploiting private data.
“There is literally nothing more valuable to Apple than your personal information,” insisted Cook. “It’s made us hundreds of billions, maybe even trillions of dollars, and we intend to keep it that way.”
U.S. Magistrate Judge Sheri Pym, who issued the landmark ruling, cited national security as the deciding factor in her verdict, but Cook dismissed that logic as “problematic.”
“Don’t forget, we’re an American-based corporation,” Cook explained before diving headfirst into a Scrooge McDuck-sized pile of gold. “Giving other organizations the power to exploit you in same way that we currently do completely undermines the national security of our profit margins.”
Moreover, Cook also expressed deep concerns over the long-term ethical ramifications of installing backdoor software in all of Apple’s phones.
“The last thing Apple wants to do as a company,” he said, “is place any undue workload on the young children who work so tirelessly to make our phones.”