After pet cosmetic surgery ban, Quebec faces epidemic of unfuckable pets - The Beaverton

After pet cosmetic surgery ban, Quebec faces epidemic of unfuckable pets

– After Quebec’s order of veterinarians banned cosmetic ear-cropping and tail-docking, the province is facing an unprecedented surge in completely fugly pets.

“Augh, nasty,” said Quebec Premier , wincing and putting up a hand to cover a photograph of a Springer Spaniel with an undocked tail. “Honestly, I would never let my dick within like a hundred feet of that.”

“Put that picture away, man, seriously, I can’t even fucking look at that shit.”

While many experts insist that giving animals unnecessary surgery is cruel, those in opposition to the ban say it’s worthwhile, if only so that they don’t throw up in their mouths every time they think about plowing a schnauzer.

“Yo, honestly? I think it’s 100% necessary,” said pet owner Jean Gregoire, while his Jack Russell Terrier staggered under the weight of a saline breast implant in each of its ten teats. “Jellybean here used to be a complete surfboard.”

Although organizations like the ‘ campaign for real beauty’ have lobbied for Ontario to also ban cosmetic pet surgery, citizens of the province have so far been active in their defense of the right to own a bearded dragon with big, juicy collagen lips.

“I just think it makes him look like more of a man,” said pet owner Dave Michigan, while his pet Tarantula lurched around its cage. “The silicon injection really gave him an extra inch or so of penis length.”

“Also, I’ve surgically attached a penis to my Tarantula.”

Michigan, a lobbyist for ‘Ontarians for Pets With Bangin’ Bods’, has also taken out a billboard ad opposing any ban. The ad, 70-feet high, shows an image of a completely smooth pug, and the words ‘You Decide.’

At press time, the ban had forced cosmetic veterinarians in Quebec to start practicing their craft on wild animals, and the magic of hymen restoration surgery had allowed many owls to become virgins again.