El Chapo chooses life in jail over five more minutes with Sean Penn
VICTORIA DE DURANGO, MEX. — Fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman ended his six-month run from the law this week, when he surrendered himself to Mexican authorities on condition t…
Public puts on red shoes, dances blues
SUFFRAGETTE CITY – Following the death of legendary musician and artist, David Bowie – who is now ashes to ashes, just as he was entering his golden years – the people of the wo…
NDP orders Mulcair to take a few online leadership courses at Athabasca University
OTTAWA — After an election defeat that reduced his party’s seats from 95 to 44, NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair has been ordered to take online courses in leadership, management and organizationa…
George R. R. Martin threatens to kill himself off in next Thrones book
SANTA FE — After Game of Thrones fans responded with outrage to his announcement that he will be unable to deliver another novel before the premiere of the franchise’s next TV season, autho…
New York Times ranks Toronto as #7 best tourist destination, #1 most likely to never shut up about it
TORONTO — Torontonians are celebrating this weekend after the New York Times, America’s newspaper of record, named their city a top tourist spot for 2016, only then to name Toronto resident…
US dollar tells Canadian dollar to stop hitting itself
INTERNATIONAL – Following an early morning noogie and a brutal shoe-lacing before lunch, the USD is spending its recess telling the CAD to stop hitting itself. “Stop hitting yourself,…
Local bar’s taps just pouring flies
INNISFIL, ON – Although they’re connected to a full keg and should theoretically be pouring beer, nothing but dead and live flies have come out of the draft taps at O’Halloran’s for the las…
Local paramedic tops UberX driver rankings
TORONTO – After topping user approval rankings last week, paramedic and ambulance driver John Smallberries has been named Canada’s number one UberX driver. Users of Smallberries’ service cite his…
Wax museum features celebrities who will never visit Niagara Falls
NIAGARA FALLS — For several years, visitors of Clifton Hill have been long delighted by wax figurines of famous celebrities who will never step foot on, or be near approximation to, Niagara…
Twitter changes format to six pages double-spaced with MLA citations
SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter announced today that it will be replacing the 140 character limit on tweets with a six page, double spaced format in 12 point Times New Roman font and using MLA styl…
