For first time, Tim Hortons releases line of products low in radium

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s co…

Minister apologizes to public servant Deborah Parks, SIN #555 053 043 for privacy breach

OTTAWA – Public Works Minister Judy Foote has personally apologized to public servant Deborah Jane Parks whose Social Insurance Number is listed as 555 053 043 and lives at 394 Johnson Blvd…

Minister of Fisheries says ‘it’s done,’ drops bloody Kraken beak on Trudeau’s desk

OTTAWA – After being absent from Parliament for three straight months, federal sources report that the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has finally arrived back in Ottawa …

Trump promises America endless sexual pleasure through ritual mutilation

CLEVELAND – In a controversial speech at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump promised the United States that undying sexual rapture could be theirs, if only they would give the…

Nation’s mothers still trying to remember ‘that’ actor’s name

OTTAWA – After several attempts to recall the name of a specific famous actor, Canadian mothers continue to struggle to remember whom they are talking about. “You know the guy”, said retired teac…

Quebec Human Rights Tribunal fines Mike Ward for making jokes, rules blackface still cool

MONTREAL – The Quebec Human Rights Tribunal has fined Montreal-based comedian Mike Ward $35,000 for repeatedly making fun of a young singer with a disability, Jérémy Gabriel, but concluded …

Thousands of unpaid public servants processing their own EI claims

OTTAWA – Thousands of federal public servants who have not been paid due to a glitch in the Phoenix pay system software have preoccupied themselves by processing their Employment Insurance …

Liberals replace Black Hand Jones and Scarnose, among other Harper-era ambassadors

OTTAWA – The Liberal government and Foreign Affairs Minister Stéphane Dion have appointed several new ambassadors this week, replacing Grimguts McGree, Black Hand Jones, and other controver…

Local man vows to spend 30 minutes with date before catching a Squirtle

Unionville, ON — A local Pokemon Go player has vowed to spend at least thirty minutes with his Tinder date before logging into Pokemon Go to catch a Squirtle. RJ Henderson, age 29, remained…

New baby unprepared to save marriage

MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma. “Oh boy, no way …