Victim of stolen unicycle files for identity theft
MONTREAL — Police issued a state of emergency last night when local “pretty chill guy” Trenton Brenner filed for identity theft shortly after the disappearance of his prized unicycle. Based…
Erotic novel really overestimates appeal of euphemism ‘porking’
CALGARY – Critics of Marie Montgomery’s latest erotic novel, Angela’s Awakening, have unanimously agreed that the book suffers from an overuse of the verb “porking” to describe the act of m…
Benjamin Netanyahu claims Hitler was ‘just following orders’
JERUSALEM – At a meeting of the World Zionist Congress in Jerusalem this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu claimed that Adolf Hitler was ‘just following orders’ from Haj Amin al-Hus…
In historic first, superhero saves day without fatalities, extensive city damage
EDMONTON – This month marks the first time in Canadian superhero history that a city has been saved without extensive damage to property, any injuries or fatalities. On October 16th, a supe…
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
OTTAWA — NDP leader Thomas Mulcair has blasted the incoming Liberal government for stealing his party’s idea to form a strong majority government. “The Liberals have always had a history of…
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
Despite the results being posted two days ago, Sun newspaper outlets have steadfastly denied the existence of a Liberal majority government and have continued to assume Conservative leader Stephe…
Tearful Stephen Harper boards spaceship for return to home planet
CALGARY – Following Stephen Harper’s emotional concession speech Monday night, hundreds of Conservative Party supporters claimed to have seen a massive blue object launching from Harp…
Nation groggily wakes up next to Justin Trudeau
CANADA – After a ‘wild night’, where emotions and alcohol ‘may have gotten a little out of hand’, the nation has woken up with a splitting headache, next to Justin Trudeau. “Ohh boy,” said …
Minister of Aboriginal Affairs has seat taken from him, finally learns something about being Aboriginal
MADAWASKA-RESTIGOUCHE, N.B. – After having his riding ripped from his hands, his livelihood destroyed, and his power stolen, Bernard Valcourt, the outgoing Minister of Aboriginal Affairs, h…
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
WINNIPEG – For the first time in his long life, habitual abstainer Jack Pilman will cast a ballot in a Canadian election, throwing his support behind the Social Credit party. “Normally I ju…
