Tories continue to rebrand by removing wicker man ritual from party constitution
OTTAWA – After recently ending their opposition to gay marriage, the Conservative Party of Canada is continuing to rebrand, this time by resolving to no longer burn human captives inside of…
Man at gym takes off shirt to show bulging biceps on third arm
TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its …
Montreal unveils $3.45 million marble speed bumps for 375th anniversary
MONTREAL – Montreal’s mayor Denis Coderre announced the municipal government will be spending $3.45 million on installing pure marble speed bumps to celebrate the city’s 375th anniversary. …
Uber, SPCA to deliver puppies to your office to shit on your supervisor’s desk
TORONTO – The SPCA is joining forces with Uber this Friday, delivering carloads of adorable puppies to offices around the city to take a shit on your least favourite superior’s personal belonging…
INFOGRAPHIC: Blackberry vs Canadarm
Is it entirely possible that the Blackberry and the Canadarm are the same thing?…
Teenager trying to fuck your daughter ‘pleased to meet you, sir’
MEDICINE HAT, ALBERTA – Reports from inside the family room report that Tyler Johnson, the 16 year old just dying to bang your baby girl, is very happy to meet you. “Thank you for having me…
Man being yelled at in cubicle dreamt he was flying last night
MISSISSAUGA, ON – After dreaming he was experiencing the perfect freedom of untethered flight last night, reports have confirmed that customer service representative Jeffrey Kwan is being y…
Report: Tragically Hip final tour tickets still available through ruthlessly beating ticket holders
KINGSTON, ON – Disappointed Tragically Hip fans who failed to get tickets to the band’s final tour still have some hope after reports indicate there are some available by viciously assaulti…
Novelists warn about drug-resistant strain of writer’s block
TORONTO – After warnings issued by the World Health Organization, Canadian writers are now reporting cases of a strain of writer’s block resistant to alcohol, amphetamines, and other broad-spectr…
Guy in wraparound shades fully prepared to show ISIS who they’re dealing with
BANCROFT, ON – Decked out in camouflage pants, wraparound sunglasses and a fresh bicep tattoo, local badass Dave Kringler is ready to rock and roll the exact moment ISIS gives him a reason …
