DESERTED ISLAND – After rolling up the pages and saying a short prayer, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has thrown what may be his final bill into the ocean in hopes that Atlantic currents will take it home to Ottawa.
“Sail home little bottle,” said Dominic LeBlanc as he rolled up the only existing copy of Bill C-62, ‘An Act to Amend the Fisheries Improvements Loans Act’, and corked it into an empty glass bottle. “Poseidon-willing, I’ll see you there.”
LeBlanc, who hopes to use the mariner’s skills he’s honed in Parliament to survive until at least the second reading, was forced to dry the fistful of notes he saved after his exploratory vessel was ripped open by the mysterious reef that surrounds the island.
“‘Crew lost. Food running out. Fisheries Improvement Loans Act sorely out of date’,” wrote the Minister. “‘Island located 30 leagues west of Skeleton Bay. Please enact amendment post-haste. Then, if time, rescue mission’.”
Observers report that LeBlanc had spent the morning boiling flower petals and berries in order to derive a simple dye to be used for drafting the new legislation. Unfortunately, at midday the Minister realized the dye would be too watery and he was forced to create a thickening agent using a local grain.
“These tropical leaves aren’t quite standard legal size,” said LeBlanc, as he carefully wrote out his bill using a hollow reed. “Hopefully nobody notices.”
“Awwk! Nobody notices! Nobody notices! Awwwk!” echoed the curious green macaw that the stranded Minister had taken to calling Phineas.
“I know, Phineas, I know: following the Parliamentary formatting rules is a cornerstone of democratic government, but I think they’ll let it slide this time,” said the former House Leader. “Now then, would the pretty bird like some coconut?”
LeBlanc reportedly spent the rest of the afternoon proof-reading and revising the bill, in the hopes that it would pass through the Senate with minor changes, before finally tossing the loosely-bound sheaf westward into the ocean.
“Perfect,” said LeBlanc, as he watched both the bottle and the sun disappear over the horizon. “Now that that’s settled I can get started on food and shelter.”
At press time, Bill C-62 had been carried off by a pelican.
