New baby unprepared to save marriage
MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma. “Oh boy, no way …
IOC to punish Russia for doping by forcing its athletes to compete in Rio Olympics
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee has announced that, as punishment for the recent state-sponsored doping revelations, all of Russia’s athletes will be forced to partici…
Air Transat installs breathalyzer ignition system for all aircraft
MONTREAL – Montreal-based Air Transat will install a breathalyzer ignition interlock system on all of their fleet’s aircraft to prevent any further incidents of inebriated pilots. “Clearly,…
Wealth Inequality at an all-time high, boasts Finance Minister
OTTAWA – Speaking to a conference of finance industry power brokers, Finance Minister Bill Morneau announced that, after years of coordinated government planning and effort, Canadian wealth…
Majority of Senate applicants just doing it for the dental, criminal immunity benefits
OTTAWA — According to sources within the Independent Advisory Board for Senate Appointments, a majority of candidates applying for Senate positions are only interested in the position for t…
GOP hails Melania Trump as role model to nation’s strong black women
CLEVELAND – Following her stirring keynote address at the Republican National Convention, senior ranking GOP officials are now hailing Melania Trump as a role model for America’s strong black wom…
On-point sock game does nothing to save local man from the void
TORONTO – Although he has replaced his plain white socks with bold and colourful ones, local man Allen Cheung will still know the cold taste of oblivion and the comfortless embrace of the g…
Trump promises working class voters he will build an even more marginalized group
CLEVELAND – About to accept his party’s nomination for President, Donald Trump assured a crowd of cheering supporters that if elected, he would create an ethnic/sociological group that was…
Report: all that bad stuff at Marineland probably fixed by now
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – A new report affirms all the bad stuff you remember hearing about Marineland a couple of years ago is ‘probably cleared up by now.’ “Oh sure, after all that bad publicit…
Stephane Dion finally tracks down Onix in Parliamentary Library
OTTAWA – After looking for hours, Minister of Global Affairs Stephane Dion has finally captured the Onix in the Parliamentary Library. “Yes!” exclaimed the former Liberal leader as held his…
