Tinder profile picture just manages to frame out gaping wound
SASKATOON – Tim Cordwell, active user of popular dating app Tinder, is satisfied with his new profile picture, which just manages to frame out a horrific injury he recently sustained. “Ah, …
No one in social media strategy meeting actually knows how Snapchat works
Florenceville, NB – Attendees at a media strategy session for the McCain Foods company reported enthusiasm over plans to expand awareness to teens using the app Snapchat, despite absolutely…
Co-worker on maternity leave probably at fucking Six Flags right now
OTTAWA – Employees at Ace One consulting were collectively fuming at co-worker Vanessa Clay, the recipient of a whole two months of mat leave that’s she’s probably using to hang out at awes…
Microhome purchaser looking forward to life in immobile trailer
SUDBURY — Recent microhome purchaser, Tom Pederson says he is looking forward to life in his tiny house that cannot move anywhere. “I’m thrilled to be a part of the tiny home movement,” Pederson …
Toronto driver sees each day as opportunity to shout at someone new
TORONTO – BMW driver Troy Landau says he has discovered the secret to a long life, viewing each day as a gift in which he has the chance to scream profanities at somebody he has never screa…
TTC closed this weekend between wherever you are and wherever you want to go
TORONTO – Interfering with your plans, the Toronto Transit Commission has closed the subway, streetcar and/or bus line from the place you currently are right now, all the way to wherever it…
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette…
Dog wearing kerchief thinks he’s so fucking cool
Guelph–Witnesses in the area have reported the presence of a dog wearing an orange bandana around his neck who seems to think he’s some real hot shit. The dog, Max, who onlookers speculate …
Canadian child dreams of one day winning an Olympic bronze medal
BURLINGTON, ON – After witnessing Team Canada’s performance at the Rio Olympic Games, budding amateur athlete Karen Herder has been inspired to chase her dream of one day bringing home a br…
Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons’ Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus
OTTAWA – The nation is in an uproar today, after federal food inspectors conclusively proved that the whitish-yellow inflamed abscesses used in Tim Horton’s Boston Cream donuts are not Cana…
