Melania Trump reassures nation husband has moral agency of small boy

NEW YORK — In an interview yesterday with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Melania Trump sought to calm public concern about her husband’s attitude toward sexual assault by reminding voters that he has the…

Gritty Kingston Police horse transferred to desk duty while Internal Affairs investigates

KINGSTON – The Kingston Police horse known for bending rules and not taking any shit has been transferred to administrative duties while the Department’s Internal Affairs investigates her c…

Roman philosopher Seneca disappointed in college named after him

TORONTO – Seneca, the roman stoic philosopher and advisor to Roman Emperor Nero, has voiced his displeasure at the college that carries his name. “I know I teach that we should all strive t…

Dr. Deadgrave Scary-Boo struggling to think of fun Twitter name for Halloween

MIRAMICHI, NB – After racking his brain for hours, local ophthalmologist Dr. Deadgrave Scary-Boo has been unable to think of a clever Halloween themed name change for his Twitter profile. “…

Vancouver Ferrari dealership announces diamond-encrusted “new driver” decal upgrade

VANCOUVER – Vancouver’s Ferrari dealership has launched a luxury “New Driver” decal upgrade option. The premium sticker caters to the teenage offspring of ultra-rich parents who are for som…

Local adult “only has 2 weeks” to finish Halloween costume

PRINCE RUPERT – Despite being a 33-year-old adult male with a job and bills to pay, local copywriter Ben Gibson has expressed concern that he will be unable to complete his Edward Scissorha…

Bank staff amused by charmingly bumbling robbery attempt, 14 dead

KINGSTON – Staff at a TD Bank branch in Kingston have described a recent robbery attempt committed by three adorably inept criminals as endearingly entertaining. 14 bystanders were killed in the …

Local man devastated after toasting bread on “Bagel” setting

Saskatoon, SK — Local contractor Gord Sawchuk was struck by misfortune this morning when two thick slices of cinnamon raisin bread were ejected from his toaster with only a single toasted s…

Baseball announcer refuses to use the offensive term “Cleveland”

CLEVELAND – MLB announcer Jerry Howarth will be refusing to call the Blue Jay’s ALCS opponents by their city’s name as some find the word “Cleveland” to be downright offensive. “I have stop…

Whistler named most livable city in Australia

Whistler, BC – Canadian resort town Whistler was recently named the most livable city in Australia beating out several other prominent Australian cities in a poll conducted by the publication The…