Trudeau says he is ‘proud to be a feminist arms dealer’
OTTAWA – Earlier today, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reaffirmed his support for feminism, and for making billions of dollars in the sales of military supplies to despotic regimes, in an ho…
Local survivor gnaws off own arm to escape street canvasser
TORONTO – In a harrowing tale of survival, local hiker Todd Barnett has managed to escape a street canvasser by removing his left arm with nothing but his own front teeth. “I’m an experienc…
Attawapiskat First Nation receives urgent airdrop of committee reports
ATTAWAPISKAT – Following the declaration of a state of emergency over recent suicide attempts in the remote First Nation settlement, the Canadian government has wasted no time airlifting in…
Melting snow reveals dozens of discarded MPs on Parliament lawn
OTTAWA – Spring has finally arrived in the nation’s capital, revealing a winter’s worth of discarded legislators strewn across the Parliamentary lawn that were, until recently, concealed under la…
Pope Francis admits he meant to invite Larry David, not Bernie Sanders, to Vatican
VATICAN CITY – In a stunning admission Friday afternoon, Pope Francis confessed that he mistakenly invited Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, instead of American comedian Larry Dav…
Cheryl from the office prints out all her emails, 11.5 million documents of Panama Papers
OTTAWA — Upon hearing about the Panama Papers scandal, Cheryl from the office loaded all 11.5 million leaked documents up on her computer, but became frustrated when the formatting got “won…
Local dad starts work on emergency backup porch
KINGSTON – Local dad Henry Spurlock has begun construction on an auxiliary porch to be deployed in case of a major failure in the current primary porch. “So far the primary porch has operat…
Hardcover edition of Naomi Klein’s ‘Shock Doctrine’ currently ahead in NDP leadership poll
OTTAWA — A poll released today on the NDP leadership race shows that a hardcover copy of Naomi Klein’s bestselling books in hardcover, ‘The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism’,…
Guy taking up three seats on train must be really important
TORONTO – This afternoon an unnamed man on the TTC left other commuters in awe, as they wondered how important he must be to need a full three seats on the train. “Maybe he’s so…
Making playoffs forces Phil Kessel to cancel annual fishing trip
A distraught Phil Kessel was forced to cancel his annual fishing trip with his buddies yesterday after the Pittsburgh Penguins made the NHL playoffs despite his best efforts. “I was pretty hopefu…
