QUIZ: What should you be doing instead of this quiz? - The Beaverton
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QUIZ: What should you be doing instead of this quiz?

We all know that internet quizzes are a fun and amazing! Or at the very least, not boring. Am I right? They’re a way to while away the minutes in any given day when you should almost certainly be doing something entirely different. LOL! The fact that you know deep down that life is a precious, mysterious gift and knowing that hasn’t stopped you from choosing to waste some of that life with us makes us eternally grateful. Namaste! Take this quiz to find out what you should actually be doing right now instead of this distractifying, mindless series of questions.

1. Where are you right now?
I’m in an office. It houses a whole or part of a medium to large corporation.
I’m in a Starbucks because that is the best place to be seen on a laptop.
I am in a facility of some kind. I hear strange noises outside and people speaking in a language I do not understand. I am currently naked. Every so often I am sprayed down with a hose.
All I know is that I am in front of a screen, and this screen is asking me questions. It’s ultimate purpose is unknown.
2. How did you get there?
I drove in a single occupancy vehicle navigating an asphalt sea of other single occupancy vehicles, and sometimes, large transport trucks. The voice on the radio gave me information and entertainments that made the journey seem slightly less than three hours, even though only an hour had elapsed.
On a fixed gear bicycle. The purest form of transportation known to personkind.
I woke up here after a long period of my head being covered with a bag against my will. I remember feeling as if I were in a van. My hands bound. But this was all through what I could only assume was a drug induced haze. Prior to that I was eating with… Oh, so that’s how they did it!
I feel as though the passage of time has become punctuated only by the different screens which I am looking at. Within the first moments of consciousness I am looking at my phone’s screen. Later, I mash keys below a slightly larger screen. By the evening, I will spend hours in front of an even bigger screen, only to go to bed and look at the small screen on my phone until an ungodly hour, at which point and I am forced to start the process over.
3. What is your favourite movie?
Schindler’s List: I wish that my mundane bureaucratic existence had a secret heroism to it. But everything is fine with me, I guess. I can’t wait for Friday. Is it Friday? I only used to drink on the weekend, but that is no longer the case.
Love Actually: There is something about how accurately it represents human relationships that I must assume is entirely correct.
Taken and/or Tak3n: Oh, God, please. I hope my father is a man with a particular set of skills.
Is it possible that I have watched everything on Netflix already? Or have all movies become the same to me no matter their content? In any case, I know from past experience that I’ll watch anything with Liam Neeson. Does that help?
4. What was the last dream that you can remember?
I dreamt that my house was on fire. The flames were all around me while I was brushing my teeth. Then I remembered I had a 25 year old son, even though I don’t, and I was yelling at him to get a good job or he’ll never be happy. He was late for school, I think, and his back was turn to me as we both were descending the stairs. I remember I grabbed him by the arm because I thought he wasn’t listening to me, but when he turned around, his face was my face, except his mouth was bleeding and said “no, you can’t anymore.” What do you think it means?
My High School crush found me and we were on a date. I think we had sex in the back of car and afterwards we went to McDonalds and I had a Big Mac and we split a large fries. Wait, that was my dream Tinder date. Sorry. I was pretty toasted.
I haven’t really slept in what feels like weeks, which has caused me to lose the ability to differentiate my waking states from any number of hallucinations I am met with on a daily basis. Right now I choose to believe that the insects currently crawling along my skin are, in fact, not real, but are only ghastly machinations of my sleep deprived mind. Ha ha!
Just static. Unending static.
5. Is there a God?
Of course there is. He loves us. Even if we are unable to love ourselves, at least there is someone who loves us.
I’m more spiritual. I just try to be a good person, and want everyone else to see me that way too.
I keep praying and nothing is happening. Why would a good and loving God allow this to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? What must I do to make it stop?
God is coming. We just have to invent him first.
6. What kind of pet do you have?
I have a cat. We have a cat. It pukes on the rug and I’m the only one who cleans it up. Sometimes I wonder if the cat has us. Has me.
I got a dog with squished up face. The scientific term is brachycephalic!
The only pets I know now are the rats that will chew upon me from time to time. It’s one of the few ways I know I am still alive. They all have names. All 78 of them have names.
I used to have a tamagotchi. We loved each other very much.
7. What do you drink after a long day?
White wine. Or Scotch. Or vodka soda. Or rum and Coke. Unless it’s the weekend. Then I’m not holding back anymore.
Craft beer flavoured with organic hops. I love hops. Don’t you love hops? Everyone should love hops.
Whatever water pools nearby after being hosed down by the yelling men.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve put anything actually inside of my body. I want to say… liquid? Is that acceptable?
8. What is your primary source of income?
This job that I hate that has the coworkers whom I also hate. Except for Karen. Karen is good.
The kindness of friends and family.
The men. I live or die at their mercy. It must be hard for them. I know it’s hard for me. They’re not so bad, you know? I had some crust last night. Maybe if I’m good, I’ll get more tonight.
Ebates.
QUIZ: What should you be doing instead of this quiz?
Congratulations, you should be… WORKING ON THAT BIG REPORT and/or POWERPOINT PRESENTATION
You’re part of the hard working, steadily employed middle class that sustains our economy. Instead doing this quiz, you should have been more productive and performed the multitude of office based tasks, such as constructing Microsoft Office based files, or, we assume faxing something, because you probably still have one and it probably still doesn’t work well. This time-theft from your employer has been noted and your IP address has been logged and sent to your superior. Thank you!
QUIZ: What should you be doing instead of this quiz?
Congratulations, you should be … WRITING THAT SCREENPLAY and/or COMING OF AGE NOVEL
You said you’d be working on that, and you’ve got it pretty much written in your head. The problem is that you’ve never written anything that long and you keep getting distracted by all the wonderment that modern technological society has blessed your existence with. It also wouldn’t hurt to finish your tax return that you really needed to do last year and to call your mother. She misses you. However, despite that, it may be best right now to congratulate yourself for your last Facebook status, which was really good, even if a bit underappreciated. You ROCK!
QUIZ: What should you be doing instead of this quiz?
Congratulations, you should be… FIGURING OUT A WAY TO ESCAPE and/or CONTACTING THE AUTHORITIES
You are obviously kidnapped. We find it unendingly curious how you were able to access the internet despite your current state of encapture, and instead of using it to let your friend, family or law enforcement know of your whereabouts or condition, you instead waste this precious opportunity to complete a meaningless quiz about what you should be doing instead of doing an internet quiz. Maybe, just maybe - and follow me on this one - you don’t want to be rescued. Maybe you’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome and have begun empathizing with your captors. If this is true, try maybe ordering just a pizza for yourself online. You must be hungry!
QUIZ: What should you be doing instead of this quiz?
Congratulations, you should be… DOING A DIFFERENT and/or BETTER INTERNET QUIZ
It is apparent from your answers that you have become so ensnared within the web of the internet that you have become desensitized to its glories. Do not listen to those naysayers who believe that you need to reduce the number of hours you spend in front of a screen. We urge you to seek out some of the other - and we’ll be honest - far superior internet based quizzes on this site, for they will bring you the much needed entertainment, satisfaction and, ultimately, meaning you seek in your life. SPOILER ALERT: You’re also still Chandler.
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