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BREAKING: Investigation into vote buying reveals Conservative Party has no real members

OTTAWA – An investigation into vote buying allegations in the has led to the discovery that the Party currently has zero members.

“We thought it was over after we found 1,351 memberships purchased with pre-paid credit cards,” said party spokesperson Amy Lambert. “But then I started checking the membership database, which turned out to be full of names like J. Doe, S. Invisible, and A. Fakeman. Clearly this went deeper.”

To disprove these findings, investigators started looking carefully at footage from the recent Tory leadership debates. However it quickly became clear that the seats were actually filled with cardboard cutouts, mannequins, and old Halloween decorations.

“And it wasn’t just the 90,000 party members that were fake,” said Lambert. “Careful examination also proved that [leadership candidate] Lisa Raitt is actually an elaborate shadow puppet while Brad Trost is two full garbage bags stuffed into a suit.”

While most of Canada is still reeling from this scandal, some political insiders say they’d suspected something like this for months.

“What sane person would voluntarily be associated with a party that runs Kellie Leitch and Kevin O’Leary as serious candidates?” said Rona Ambrose, interim Conservative leader and professional actress. “It makes sense when you think about it.”

At press time, two million right-wing Facebook trolls were wondering if they’d still get paid.

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