“It’s about states’ rights” says Ontario man flying Confederate Flag

HAMILTON – Local construction worker Keith Lipiec insists the Confederate flag hanging from the truck located about 150 kilometres from the U.S. border is merely “a celebration of states’ r…

Local man would be more worried about Trump’s promise to terminate NAFTA if Trump had ever kept a single promise

Luke is joined by writers Anthony Bothelo and Joel Buxton as well as stand up Tracy Hamilton. They discuss the childlike wonder with which Donald Trump stared at the eclipse (2:30), how the war i…

Nation’s toddlers demand more uppies

OTTAWA – In a move that many experts fear will cause a rift in already strained negotiations, Canada’s toddlers unilaterally demanded more uppies earlier today. Talks have entered arbitrati…

Report: Everyone else’s summer hopes and ambitions fulfilled except yours

SACKVILLE, NB – Early reports indicate that everybody on Earth had achieved all they wanted to do this summer. Well everyone except you. According to sources every single human alive had ma…

Best Eclipse Ever! The sun hasn’t been seen for 27 hours

WORLDWIDE – Y’all, the party of the decade, century, and millennium is still going strong as the total solar eclipse enters its 28th hour. Temperatures have fallen by about 10 degrees, but …

Calgary airport tows away passenger in wheelchair for waiting in Lexus-only boarding area

CALGARY – The Calgary Airport Authority has towed away an 87-year-old passenger in a wheelchair for placing himself in the Lexus owners-only boarding area while waiting for a flight to Toro…

Spanx releases new shapewear to smooth out unsightly face fat

ATLANTA – In a press conference earlier today, pioneering shapewear company Spanx unveiled a new shapewear product designed to tone and tighten facial fat for a smoother, more put-together look. …

BREAKING: 23 mall-goers hospitalized after succumbing to Cinnabon fumes

TORONTO – Emergency crews rushed to the Dufferin Mall earlier today in response to reports that nearly two dozen mall patrons had succumbed to fumes emitted by the shopping centre’s Cinnabo…

EXCLUSIVE: Donald Trump’s 13 deleted eclipse tweets

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump once again ignored the desires of his staff today, taking to social media to unleash a tweet-storm during today’s total eclipse. While the tweets ha…

Typical: Millennials just want to stare at the eclipsed sun without putting in the hard work of worshipping it

By Harvey Prun of the Third House of the Sunseekers I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before when I point out that Millennials expect everything to just be given to them from jobs to …