Bat mitzvah ruined as girl’s face melts during ark-opening ceremony
THORNHILL – A Bat Mitzvah for twelve-year-old Thornhill girl Revi Spivak took a tragic turn when her face melted off her skull during the p’tikhah, the ceremonial opening of the ark that contains…
Rich Canadians horrified as Hurricane Irma bears down on helpless 5-star resorts
CANADA – As the category 5 Hurricane Irma barrels through the Caribbean and Florida, the top 0.1% of Canadian earners are bracing themselves emotionally for the destruction of the world’s b…
Upcoming UFC card features grumpiest fighters yet
EDMONTON – The UFC event in Edmonton will feature a title bout between the sport’s two grumpiest fighters: Stu Caufield and Frank Leroux, neither of whom has smiled since Mambo No.5 w…
Doug Ford announces plans to make 2018 fucking unbearable
TORONTO — In the lead-up to his annual Ford Fest rally, Doug Ford is already announcing plans to make 2018 “absolutely frigging brutal” by once again running for mayor. “Doug’s back, losers…
Disney casts Amy Adams, Benedict Cumberbatch as leads in upcoming live-action Mulan film
LOS ANGELES – Speaking before an assembled group of industry press earlier this week, Disney spokesperson Ian Glenn enthusiastically unveiled the casting of Hollywood stars Amy Adams and Benedict…
Ontarians forced to hang out with Kathleen Wynne now that she’s their dealer
TORONTO – The entire province of Ontario has resigned itself to hanging out with Kathleen Wynne for the next few years while she deals to them. “God this is always so awkward,” said Sudbury…
VIA Rail retracts ‘why don’t you take the train?’ tagline after passengers find many reasons not to
MONTREAL – Canada’s only passenger rail line has removed its tagline ‘why don’t you take the train’ from the crown corporation’s commercials after thousands of passengers have discovered nu…
Snowflakes rally to preserve Stonewall Jackson’s Civil War participation trophy
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – Snowflakes throughout the American south are once again up in arms, after Charlottesville city council passed a unanimous vote to remove the city’s statue of confederate gen…
Guide To: Edmonton
Thinking of visiting the city in Alberta that doesn’t have the world famous stampede?…
Toronto-York subway line to open day after you graduate from York
TORONTO – The TTC has confirmed that the opening date for the new Toronto York-Spadina Subway Extension (TYSSE) will be the day after you graduate from York University, whenever that may be…
