Quiz: Are you at a Swiss Chalet or an actual Swiss chalet?
Literally every single one of us has been there before, disorientated, confused and unsure whether you are in one of the 200 plus locations of a middling rotisserie chicken chain, Swiss Chalet, o…
The Brick celebrates first day in 25 years without sales event
EDMONTON, AB – Breaking a decades long sales event streak, The Brick has made today the first day in over 25 years in which their stores aren’t trying to entice customers with some sort of …
New Amazon service will deliver baseball bat directly to your union rep’s knees
PALO ALTO – After Amazon Key revolutionized home delivery by allowing strangers into your house, the retail giant has launched a new service promising to permanently change the way your uni…
Stephen Hawking only dead in this universe
CAMBRIDGE, UK – Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, considered by many to be the most intelligent man in the world, has died in this iteration of the universe, but sources from multiple oth…
Ryerson bed bug the first in its family to attend university
TORONTO – A first year bed bug at Ryerson University has bucked a long-standing trend in its family by being the first to attend university. The parasitic insect came from a long line of bl…
New Brunswick Tourism Ad
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Local man still unaware late night TV hosts are powerless to prevent authoritarian takeover
PORTLAND, OR – After basking in the righteousness of another blistering monologue by Stephen Colbert, local liberal Moe Shuster remained blissfully unaware that comedic barbs will do nothin…
Murderess insists on being called “murderer” like her male counterparts
KINGSTON, ON – After prosecutors at her trial repeatedly referred to her as ‘murderess,’ Kaitlyn Hayworth, 27, Tuesday abruptly confessed, “I’m a murderer! Murderer! Get it right!” mid-tria…
All that stuff in the Harry Potter books wouldn’t have happened if the teachers had guns
Editorial by Larry Beaton For a month now people have been mocking President Trump, just because he had the audacity to suggest that our children would be safer in school if teachers were armed. …
After once again losing at Roll Up The Rim, local man breaks down and buys Jet Ski
Peterborough, ON – Suffering yet another horrific loss at Tim Horton’s quasi-gambling game, Roll Up The Rim, Scott Heller has decided that he can’t live a day longer without a Jetski. “I think so…
