TORONTO — Following a police investigation into graphic reports of sexual assault among the students at St. Michael’s private Catholic boys school, the faculty as well as some parents insi...
Calgary euthanizes aging Olympic mascots
CALGARY – With the fate of the Calgary Winter Olympics bid rejected by the public in a plebiscite, beloved 1988 Winter Olympic mascots Hidy and Howdy were euthanized yesterday. Those in favour o...
Wikipedia shuts down due to crippling $3.00 deficit
SAN FRANCISCO – Internet encyclopedia Wikipedia revealed today that it will cease operation after suffering an insurmountable deficit of $3.00 this fiscal year. “Our accountants said there...
Ontario PCs pass resolution to only recognize the two genders: folks and elites
TORONTO – At their party convention this weekend, Ontario Progressive Conservatives passed a resolution concluding that there are only two genders: hard-working, business-owning, mortgage-paying folks...
Baby determined to put entire housecat in mouth
VANCOUVER—Reports have confirmed that nine-month old Madison Karn wants more than anything in the world to fit her parents’ 10-year old Himalayan mix cat, Mittens, entirely into her mouth. Madison, wh...
Woman who refused toothpick, really “going for it” with fingernail
VICTORIA, BC — In a tense moment at the dinner table Jessica Trevors declined a toothpick and has taken to fully using her fingernail to get “whatever it is” out of her teeth. “I thought maybe s...
Monthly book club leader Karen announces that they will just read The Secret over and over again
BARRIE, ON – Members of the Snow Valley Very Dignified Book Collective were in crisis last Saturday when their leader Karen Pasternack announced that they would continue to read Rhonda Byrne’s b...
North Korean leader blushes at number of standing ovations in Ontario Legislature
PYONGYANG – North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un was reportedly blushing after watching so many standing ovations for Premier Doug Ford by the Ontario PC caucus during Question Period. After a busy d...
Doctors warn this year’s flu vaccine may contain high levels of immunity
GENEVA – After getting preliminary test results, the World Health Organization is warning the public that getting this year’s flu vaccine may put you at risk of not contracting the often deadly ...
Alberta looking for loving billionaire parents to adopt province’s 2000 orphan oil wells
EDMONTON – The government of Alberta is putting out a call today to find billionaires willing to take on the responsibility of caring for the province’s 2000 orphaned oil and gas wells abandoned...
