Protesters block construction of new essential oil pipeline

BURNABY, BC – Several protesters have been arrested after chaining themselves to equipment in an effort to block further construction on Canada’s controversial essential oil pipeline. A lar…

STUDY: Uncle still believes thing you liked when you were 3 represents your whole personality

DRUMMONDVILLE, QC – According to a detailed study of birthday cards received and samples of holiday dinner smalltalk, analysts are reporting that your uncle Victor has not made any updates …

Majority of Canadians relieved they can no longer afford to live in Vancouver

OTTAWA — Following a report showing that Vancouver is now the least affordable housing market in North America, millions of Canadians have expressed relief that living there is no longer an…

Nation forbids Mueller from playing games on his iPad until final report is handed in

Washington, DC – After the dismissal of Attorney General Jeff Sessions this week, the U.S. nation has expressed great concerns regarding the likelihood of Robert Mueller’s report on the Rus…

Woman discovers entire personality is complaining about being tired

HAMILTON, ON — After finally benefitting from a restful night’s sleep due to a Daylight Savings mishap, Vera Woods, has officially realized that her personality only consists of complaining…

Lonely woman relieved to know at least her phone is listening

HAMILTON, ON – After what felt like years of being invisible to the rest of the world, local lonely woman Nancy Opham was relieved to discover this week that her phone has been listening to…

Millions of Americans line up to give Ruth Bader Ginsburg one of their ribs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Millions of Americans across the country swarmed their local hospitals Thursday, offering up their ribs to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The long-serving Supreme Court Justice fra…

Update: Poppy already lost

CANADA – Recent reports indicate that you have already lost your poppy that was attached to your jacket, sweater, or hat a few moments after pinning it there. The symbol of remembrance slid…

Mysterious leftover IKEA parts placed in bin with the others

ETOBICOKE, ON – Not having a clue of what else to do with them,  a local man placed the baffling extra pieces that came with a recently purchased “BILLY” bookcase inside a large bin in the …

Ontario’s new “open for business” signs criticized for failing to indicate operating hours

QUEEN’S PARK — Doug Ford’s new Welcome to Ontario signs featuring the slogan “Open for Business” have generated controversy amongst taxpayers for leaving out Ontario’s business hours.…