Hamilton, ON – Local sports enthusiast Jim Clement was overheard last week laughing about how comic book fans are nothing but a bunch of “obsessive nerds who need lives,” after having a lengthy discussion of the full name, position, and statistics of every man who had ever played for the New England Patriots since the team’s inception.
“I mean, just look at their costumes,” he chortled, subtly adjusting his $250 limited edition jersey so that the name “Brady” was fully visible to anyone passing behind him. “Getting all dressed up for their, what the hell is it, ‘Comic Con’? Who spends all that money just to dress up as some mythical idol they could never hope to be? Back in my day, we just punched geeks like them. Wonder what their ‘Green Lamp’ would say about that.”
Clement’s friend, 48-year-old Roger Davis, simply could not understand comic fans’ obsession with the superhero genre.
“Listen, you want a hero, you got Rob Gronkowski, the greatest tight ender in Patriots’ history,” boasted Davis with a strange sense of undeserved pride. “I’ve got a goddamn shrine to him in my office: bobbleheads, posters, even a signed picture I got with him after a game. I waited in line two hours for that. I’d like to see even one of those Batman-loving weirdos wait that long for anything.”
Jim explained that he was worried about what effect the resurgence of comic book popularity might have on his children.
“I just don’t think it’s healthy,” he explained, nursing a head injury after participating in a post-game riot the week before. “All these impressionable kids refusing to grow up, getting upset when their fictional characters die. You wanna talk about loss? Let’s talk about losing to Green Bay in ’97. That was loss. Almost threw out my custom Lego minifigure of Curtis Martin from grief.”
Clement was last seen online, mocking Avengers fan fiction while meticulously assembling his Fantasy Football team.