Trudeau brags about having perfect gender balance among people he’s thrown under bus

OTTAWA – Showing politicians everywhere that it can be done, Justin Trudeau proudly announced that he had created complete gender parity with the people he was sacrificing to the political …

Man who has done nothing wrong spontaneously quits job for no reason

OTTAWA – Principal Secretary to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and completely innocent man Gerald Butts has resigned citing no reason in particular. The good-natured employee said that his s…

Elon Musk investing $800 million to fight own skeleton

Hawthorne, CA – Billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk announced on Twitter today that he is beginning a new company that aims to give him the ability to remove his own skeleton so he can fight…

Beloved aunt missing after mozza sticks lead to one-way ticket to Flavour Town

CALGARY – A manhunt is underway after the disappearance of Linda Brown, 46, who was last seen boarding a one-way flight to Flavour Town after indulging in a plate of wonderfully ooey gooey …

Local man wearing baseball cap in February like winter some kind of fucking game

CALGARY—Reports have confirmed that local dickhead, Tyler Brin, has been walking around, outside, in February in a piddling little baseball cap, as though cold weather is a funny little goddamn j…

Amazon abandons plans for NYC HQ after no one home to accept delivery

NEW YORK – New Yorkers were left stunned and disappointed as Amazon cancelled its plans for a new headquarters in Queens when no one was home to accept delivery. “The UPS driver tried three…

National emergency declares national emergency

WASHINGTON – In a move many legal experts are calling unprecedented, chronic national emergency Donald Trump is declaring a separate, second national emergency to get funding for his border…

Harrowing: Woman trapped in store change room for three days attempting to remove ambitiously small dress

HAMILTON – In an ordeal that spanned three terrifying days, 30-year-old Tricia Whitehead found herself trapped in a women’s change room at HotStuffs Clothing Emporium after trying to remove…

Netflix’s Bird Box sequel promises more birds, bigger box

HOLLYWOOD – After impressive viewing statistics, Netflix has announced a sequel to the Sandra Bullock film Bird Box, which promises “a lot more birds” and a “way bigger box.” “We assumed vi…

Very important to Winnipeg man that you know it is currently colder in Winnipeg

WINNIPEG – Multiple sources are reporting that it is extremely vital to the health and wellbeing of a Winnipeg resident that everyone is made aware of the fact that the weather is actually …