Anti-citrus parents believe “a touch of scurvy” leads to better outcomes in child pirates

SPANISH MAIN – Believing that a bout of scurvy during childhood can lead to a young swashbuckler who is stout of heart and strong of arm, some parents are aggressively touting the benefits …

Brexit deadline officially pushed back to Claire Danes’ birthday

LONDON – The EU has granted the UK’s request to push the deadline for Brexit from its previous date of March 29 to April 12, the birthday of American actor Claire Danes. “This added time wi…

Report: Bank cheques cost how fucking much?

TORONTO – In a survey of the nation’s major banks, a new report published today states that ordering cheques from your bank can cost anywhere from “Wait, how fucking much?” to “Jesus, you g…

Film Review: Dumbo a surprisingly delightful adaptation of The Elephant Man

Finally Hollywood has released a film that both children and adults can relate to. Dumbo, a lighthearted retooling of the 1980 historical drama The Elephant Man, is the time-worn tale of a plucky…

Feds replace access to information system with cabinet gossip leak system

OTTAWA – Heralding in a new era of government transparency, the Liberal government has announced that it will be replacing its old system of providing internal data about services with a mo…

Tim Hortons worker playing Roll Up The Rim wins paid break

Cobourg, ON — It’s a lucky day for Tim Hortons employee Shirley Bishop, who won big at Roll Up the Rim: one paid break! “I was on my regular, unpaid coffee break when it happened,” said Bishop, w…

UCP considers dropping requirement that all its candidates have experience spreading hate on social media

EDMONTON – A second UCP candidate has pulled out of the provincial election due to hateful social media posts and the UCP is starting to wonder if their insistence that candidates have a hi…

Democrats pin fading hopes for justice on 16 remaining investigations

WASHINGTON D.C. – Shocked and demoralized by William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report, American liberals are afraid they’ve lost their last best chance to hold Trump accountable, aside …

Worst person you know buys house

CALGARY – Reports from facebook and mutual friends have confirmed that Matt Wilsher, the person you would most like to see eaten by piranhas or stranded on a desert island, has recently pur…

Parks Canada offering photo editing for people who want to look like they went camping

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