Canadians stockpile ear protection as precaution for John Baird leadership bid

OTTAWA – In preparation for a possible John Baird Conservative Party leadership bid, Canadians have been busy stocking ear protection equipment. Media speculation about Baird’s possible ent…

Toronto man throws going-away party for friend moving north of Bloor

TORONTO – After nine years living in the Toronto downtown core, friends and family of Brandon Miller have thrown a going away party in advance of his packing up and moving north of Bloor St…

Feminist win! Girl boss lays off thousands

WATERLOO, ON – CEO and HBIC of Sqork Media, Cheryl Hawkins recently laid off thousands of employees in a broader attempt to cut down costs. In a statement to the press, Hawkins said, “Thoug…

Folksy Joe Biden cheerfully greets supporter as two-bit secretary with no tits

CONCORD–During a campaign event for the upcoming New Hampshire Primary, former Vice President Joe Biden charmed a crowd by playfully addressing an attendee as a “two-bit secretary with no t…

VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains

VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains BELLVILLE, ON – VIA Rail has expressed relief that now they have a legitim…

Trudeau slides into African Union’s DMs

ADDIS ABABA – A flirtatious Justin Trudeau has slid into the DMs of the African Union’s Instagram account while on a charm offensive throughout the continent. “Heeeeey, you seem familiar, d…

Resilient 11-year-old Ugg boots survive annual closet purge

LONDON, ONT – In a stunning feat of perseverance, an ageing, tattered pair of camel coloured Ugg boots have managed to survive yet another year in their owner’s annual closet purge. “I just can’t…

Local dog certain you’d be much happier if he had your burger

YOUR LIVING ROOM – Your loving and loyal canine companion Rusty knows for a fact that everyone would benefit from you giving him your burger, and he’s confident he can convince you of that …

Scores dead in war for middle arm rest

MONTREAL — A Via Rail trip traveling from Toronto to Montreal ended in bloodshed following a violent battle for the middle armrest in seats 21 A, B and C. At 9:00am Greg Bilson, Amelia Chan…

Comments section quarantined for outbreak of coronavirus-related racism

TORONTO – Thousands of Facebook users have been quarantined by the Public Health Agency of Canada after a significant outbreak of novel coronavirus-related bigotry on a CBC News comments th…