Government urges Canadians worried about maxing out CERB payments to become police officers, get suspended with pay

OTTAWA — With Canada Emergency Response Benefit (CERB) payments set to end for many Canadians, the government is encouraging anyone with financial concerns to get hired as a police officer, engag…

Woman raw-dogging horseradish insists this is the new normal

News in photos.…

Maple Leaf Foods unveils new burger that’s 99% plant protein, 1% giant panda

Mississauga, ON – After successfully launching the 50/50 burger, a patty that is 50% animal protein and 50% plants, Maple Leaf Foods has unveiled their new creation: the 99, a burger that i…

Nation’s grandmas ready to bust through the glass and kiss some fucking grandkids

CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucki…

Local man exhausted after spending whole day accomplishing nothing

CAMPBELLTON, NB – When Local man Jared Thursby’s head hit the pillow last night, it was with the weary satisfaction of a day well spent accomplishing absolutely nothing. Thursby, recently l…

Children forced to sit through online church service can’t even fantasize about going home

THE LIVING ROOM – As the Dobson family sits through a Zoom stream of their weekly church service, children Max, Ashley, and Timothy report being robbed of even their usual fantasy of finish…

Disgusting: This woman says she misses brunch

Okay, this is going to be a tough read, so make sure you’re sitting down. Reports have confirmed that Toronto woman Katie Flenderson, who some are calling the absolute worst human being on the fa…

Band-Aid company offers band-aid solution

SKILLMAN, NJ – Band-Aid brand adhesive bandages announced recently that their new range of bandages in various shades of Brown and Black skin tones are expected to offer not much help while…

Health Canada orders all people to wear full-body costumes from the Masked Singer when out in public

OTTAWA – In the midst of many provinces reopening parts of their cities during the COVID-19 pandemic, federal health officials have mandated that anyone attending a public business must wear an e…

Ontario eases social distancing restrictions from “moderately” to “completely” confusing

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford announced this week that in order to calm public uncertainty about what Ontarians are supposed to be doing to keep themselves safe during the COVID-19 pandemic, the pr…