Uranus tired of being a punchline, would like to explore its dramatic side

OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM – The seventh planet from the sun is done being treated as a joke and is demanding humanity start taking it and its dramatic aspirations seriously. “Neptune doesn’t have …

Lonely man sad to have no matches on contact tracing app

WINDSOR, ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene, 55, advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing …

Local woman unsure what to do with hands during conversation casually cups own breast

ST. JOHNS — Anita Debra, local barista, didn’t know what to do with her hands during a recent lull in a conversation, ultimately opting to cup her own breast. “I just didn’t know what to do…

Canada searches for new country to compare ourselves to now that U.S. is too sad

OTTAWA – The Canadian Government announced today that they are searching for a new benchmark country Canadians can compare to now that the situation in the U.S. has reached ‘this is f…

200 Ontario cops hired to force teachers back into schools

TORONTO – Ontario’s PC government is hiring an additional 200 OPP officers to force any unruly teachers back into classrooms. “My friends, teacher unions are the greatest threat to the heal…

“How could the ref not see that?” yells hockey fan willfully blind to sport’s co-opting by far right

VANCOUVER – Local man Dominic Derkins was furious at the refs for missing an obvious call in last night’s game, wondering if they are hard of sight while he and all other hockey fans …

US prison overcrowding reaches critical mass due to Trump’s staff

WASHINGTON – Experts and prison staff are raising the alarm about overcrowding in US prisons due to Donald Trump’s staff. “We’re at a breaking point,” said Yani Overbrooke, a prison warden …

EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes

By Kent Gutterman As a Canadian, the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me. But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift, it’s fucking humiliating t…

Report: Clamato still disgusting, delicious

CALGARY – After conducting an exhaustive longitudinal study of scientific research done over the last 60 years, scientists at the University of Calgary have officially confirmed that Clamat…

Oakland cop claims Ujiri’s chest caused permanent injuries to his fists

Oakland, CA – In the wake of a video clearly showing that he assaulted Raptors president Masai Ujiri, Oakland deputy Alan Strickland has amended his lawsuit to claim that Ujiri’s chest and …