94% of Social Distance Hang spent talking about whether everyone is far enough apart
Belleville, ON – A group of friends enjoying a social distance hang in one of their backyards spent nearly all of their time talking about whether they were all at least 6 feet apart. ̶…
New border rules require Americans to hold breath from BC to Alaska
VANCOUVER – The BC government announced new regulations that will require all American travellers going to and from Alaska to hold their breath for the duration of their trip through the pr…
Trump suggests delaying election until everyone dead
WASHINGTON D.C. – Citing issues with voting by mail, U.S. President Donald Trump suggested a delay to November’s presidential election to just after disease and destruction consumes h…
Ford government unveils school plan to send kids back to school and let them formulate a plan
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has released his fall school plan, which will see the province’s school children return to class in September in order to brainstorm an actual…
Please don’t make me risk getting COVID to teach, especially that prick Noah
By: Cathy Mitglied, grade 5 teacher The Ontario government has announced that in September schools will reopen with regular class sizes and curriculum. Although they say there will be “enha…
Canadian and Mexican governments hope U.S. doesn’t notice tunnel being built underneath it
NORTH AMERICA – Despite being undiscovered since April, Canadian and Mexican officials are remaining firm in keeping the massive tunnel allowing travel between the two countries by going be…
Search and rescue for matching Tupperware lid in kitchen drawer enters 5th hour
EDMONTON – Authorities have confirmed that a search and rescue operation for a lid to match the Tupperware container sitting on the kitchen counter of a local homeowner has now passed the four-ho…
Canadian Army stands down after Schitt’s Creek gets 15 Emmy nominations
OTTAWA – A violent international incident has been averted as the U.S.-based Academy of Television Arts & Sciences recognized the final season of the Canadian TV show Schitt’s Creek wit…
Disney World Darth Vader actually having trouble breathing
ORLANDO, FL – Numerous Disney World customers were annoyed after one of the actors playing Darth Vader actually had trouble breathing due to contracting corona-virus from park patrons. “It …
I support free speech unless someone tells me I am wrong
By J.K. Rowling Dear Potterheads, I know you may be angry with me about some recent ‘truth potions’ I threw your way. But before you go and judge me please remember; I will sue you. I feel it is …
