OTTAWA – Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland unveiled the Liberal fiscal update this afternoon and, as expected, things are fucked. Big time fucked.
“9 months into this pandemic cases are on the rise and lockdown measures are being re-applied,” said Freeland. “This will have huge consequences on small businesses and people’s financial futures, which right now appear to be more fucked than they have been at any point since the 2008 recession. And that, as you recall, was extremely fucked.”
“It brings me no pleasure, but it is my duty to tell you that our economy is currently a giant turd being flung at a school trip by a masturbating monkey.”
Although some economic indicators like the stock market are currently performing quite well, Freeland said she was mostly concerned with aspects of the economy that actually impact people without trust fund’s lives, like the unemployment rate. These ground level indicators remain, to quote the report, “more fucked up than watching porn with your parents.”
“Obviously the government is doing our best to unfuck everything. But currently it remains fucked and likely will be fucked for the foreseeable future. However, if we are all diligent and do what we can to combat this pandemic, we may be able to get the economy down to a ‘kinda fucked’ level by the second quarter of 2021.”
Conservatives have already blamed the Trudeau government for Canada’s economic situation. According to leader Erin O’Toole “things are only fucked because the government mandated that they be fucked. If they stopped keeping everyone indoors, the economy would unfuck itself in no time!”
However the Liberals were quick to fire back, noting that O’Toole is only talking a big game because his current poll numbers are “royally fucked.”