SASKATOON – Amid growing COVID numbers and increased hospital regulations, midwives across the country have begun to offer contactless deliveries to ease the minds of new parents.
In a press release, the Canadian Association of Maternity Care assured that this hands-off approach will barely change the delivery process, promising to guide mothers through their labor and to show them how to ball up a ratty sweater for where they expect the baby to fall.
“Keeping two meters away will ensure the health and safety of both mother and child,” explained midwife Nelson Harrington as he watched a newborn exit the womb and drop next to an ill-placed couch cushion. “Of course, there are still some small details to work out.”
According to Harrington, “so far the most successful births have been twins, as the second child is more likely to land on something soft.”
Some consider the contactless delivery to be a more natural form of birthing, similar to the giraffe, whose offspring casually plummet three meters onto the harsh savanna grasslands.
At the time of reporting, health specialists were looking into how to keep a mother and child six feet apart during labor.