“I don’t know about anyone else, but I voted for him in 2016 exactly because he promised he would shamelessly kill a stranger on the street as a test of loyalty to the rest of us,” said Monty Sanford, “I mean his whole presidency has been about the unilateral imposition of force and will on those lower down in the power structure, free from any repercussions or morality. And yet he somehow just forgets to do the shooting thing!?”
While most members of the public interpreted the President’s 2016 campaign comments as a fictional example of the kind of blind, unwavering devotion he enjoyed in his followers, Trump supporters really, really wanted him to do that murder. Many people even went so far as to send the President a list of suggested targets or macho one-liners to say as he pulled the trigger, to show what a big man he is. And while, the Trump-exacerbated COVID pandemic and environmental regulations have killed multitudes more than Trump ever could by himself, supporters just want to know that their president could personally watch the lights leave someone’s eyes and still feel nothing at all.
“I mean, I guess the tax cuts and conservative court majority are fine but I just really wanted to see a man die for no justifiable reason,” said Kyle Grist, a Trump supporter, “wasn’t that what this whole presidency gearing up to?”
“The President pinky-swore!”, screamed Martha Washburne into the abyss.
Despite the uniform desire to witness a sad, septuagenarian destroy someone’s life, the motivations for that desire have varied among the electorate. 67% wished to observe the killing in order to satiate their repressed bloodlust brought about by feelings of lifelong personal inadequacy, while 20% wanted it to happen in order to annoy “that Latina congresswoman who I’m so attracted to but whose inaccessibility and confidence makes me feel threatened.” The remainder simply wished to see if Trump had the willpower and physical dexterity to actually do it.
“I know many of you wanted me to shoot a guy for your own personal amusement. But the Deep State and the Liberal Media and Joe Biden and RINO’s and James Comey and BLM and Antifa and MS-13 and Cancel Culture and Hillary Clinton and Dr. Fauci and the Governor of Michigan all conspired to stop me from giving you this really fantastic murder that many people said was going to be the most impressive murder every done by a President, except maybe Jimmy Carter,” said Trump, “And rest assured that I am already forming an exploratory committee into committing some sort of mass murder, or maybe even a spree, in 2024.”
At press time, Trump was anxiously scanning New York back alleys for a murder he could take credit for.