“There are so many things that could happen when I lie down on this couch,” said Hines. “Sure, I could fall asleep, losing valuable midday working hours and probably ensuring insomnia when I go to bed tonight, but there’s still a chance I’ll have a nice five minute rest and then return to my day with a spring in my step!”
Sleep scientist Elizabeth Ziemsen confirmed that, technically, lying down on the couch will not necessarily lead to a counterproductive nap. “One percent of the time a cat will jump on you or a neighbour will start up a loud saw across the street. But yes, 99% of the time a couch lying will lead to instant snoozing.”
Hines’ wife, Ingrid, reported that Gerald had been talking a lot that morning about “not planning every part of the day down to the second” and being “a real loosey-goosey, go-with-the-flow kind of guy.” Ingrid added that this kind of philosophical talk often preceded Gerald’s daily afternoon nap.
Analysts and pundits predict a “shitty” afternoon for Hines, marked by dehydration, shame, and an intense feeling of confusion about his status as a grown-up person.