Mask-wearing woman rehearses judgmental glare before taking public transit

VANCOUVER — Weeks after a mandatory mask policy was put in place on public transit, 35 year-old Devon McCarthy was fed up with people refusing to comply. After glaring judgmentally at maskless pe…

Report: All Samuel Beckett’s plays originally ended with the words “GET IT??????”

PARIS – Leading Beckett scholars have revealed that, before they were published or put on stage, every one of Samuel Beckett’s plays would conclude with Beckett writing “GET IT?????” in big…

Netflix adds Canada filter to American shows by removing scenes where characters wear shoes inside the house

TORONTO – Netflix Canada has announced a bold plan to make American movies and tv shows feel more familiar to Canadian audiences by editing out any scene where characters inexplicably wear …

Local teacher’s health lesson plan just letting class go home

VAUGHN, ON – With schools resuming classes despite the ongoing pandemic, high school teacher Erin Jorna has decided the most logical plan she can have for health class is to dismiss her stu…

MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag

VANCOUVER – Leadership at the Mountain Equipment Co-op have reassured members that, despite being sold to a US investment firm, they will still charge $800 for a sleeping bag you’ll never u…

J.K. Rowling’s new book imagines a fantasy world where she is right about trans people

EDINBURGH, UK – Author J.K. Rowling, who has previously dreamt up a world of wizards and magic in the Harry Potter series, has stretched the bounds of imagination in order to conjure up a n…

Tories counter basic income with basic billions for CEOs

OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne, the Conservative Party is countering with its curr…

Local Becky levels-up, achieves final Karen form

THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of …

Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names

CALGARY, AB – Local resident, George Bronson, recently got a large chest tattoo to commemorate his beautiful children, which will also serve as a daily reminder of whatever-the-hell their n…

Person you would never trust with a gun also a pro-gun advocate

OTTAWA – The person you would never trust owning and operating a gun is now calling for a complete end to restrictions on assault weapons. Using social media, the guy you knew from high sch…