MEC reassures customers they’ll still charge $800 per sleeping bag

VANCOUVER – Leadership at the Mountain Equipment Co-op have reassured members that, despite being sold to a US investment firm, they will still charge $800 for a sleeping bag you’ll never u…

J.K. Rowling’s new book imagines a fantasy world where she is right about trans people

EDINBURGH, UK – Author J.K. Rowling, who has previously dreamt up a world of wizards and magic in the Harry Potter series, has stretched the bounds of imagination in order to conjure up a n…

Tories counter basic income with basic billions for CEOs

OTTAWA – Responding to speculation that the Liberal government will propose universal basic income in the upcoming Speech from the Throne, the Conservative Party is countering with its curr…

Local Becky levels-up, achieves final Karen form

THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of …

Local father relies on tattoo to remind himself of children’s names

CALGARY, AB – Local resident, George Bronson, recently got a large chest tattoo to commemorate his beautiful children, which will also serve as a daily reminder of whatever-the-hell their n…

Person you would never trust with a gun also a pro-gun advocate

OTTAWA – The person you would never trust owning and operating a gun is now calling for a complete end to restrictions on assault weapons. Using social media, the guy you knew from high sch…

Epidemiologists expect second wave of fuckwittery to be worse than the first

VANCOUVER – Epidemiologists at BCCDC are warning the public that the second wave of fuckwittery will be worse than the first. “We’re expecting many more cases of reckless dumbassery through…

“I’m chill about menstruation,” boasts man who has obviously never heard of chunky days

WINDSOR, ON – Yesterday, 35 year-old software developer Daniel Moore was overheard bragging to female friends that he was “totally cool with periods,” a phrase that very clearly revealed the fact…

Premier Ford outraged federal government not doing his job

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford expressed his frustration and outrage that the federal government is not doing his job. “622 people were caught by provincial and municipal police forces breakin…

Vancouver experiencing severe Mothman infestation

VANCOUVER – The Lower Mainland is witnessing an explosive increase in the area’s Mothman population, with experts calling it the largest cryptid infestation they’ve seen in deca…