Friend asking if you’re doing Sober October this year can fuck all the way off
Selkirk, MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month, because he’s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth. “…
As Gay Twitter reclaims #ProudBoys hashtag, Proud Boys change name to “Leather Men”
OTTAWA – In response to a demonstration by gay twitter users to reclaim the #ProudBoys hashtag, hate group the Proud Boys have distanced themselves from the LGBTQA+ community by renaming th…
Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago
TORONTO OR EDMONTON – Late reports indicate a team has won the NHL’s Stanley Cup nearly a week ago. The two ice hockey squads played four to seven matches sometime in late September for the…
Jason Kenney calls Alberta’s bountiful harvest a ‘godsend,’ oddly cagey about which god
EDMONTON – Jason Kenney has been celebrating the bumper harvest Alberta is expecting to bring in this year, but has been reticent to name which deity he holds responsible for this agricultu…
Bankrupt Trump kicked out of Walter Reed after health insurance declined
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has been kicked out of the Walter Reed Medical Centre after his Presidential Health Insurance Plan was denied. “Sir, you can not pay for this assessme…
Ford encourages families to spend Thanksgiving together by getting jobs at same indoor restaurant
QUEEN’S PARK – As the Province introduces new restrictions on social contact in response to COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford has assured families they can absolutely still spend Thanksgiving tog…
Trudeau mobilizes troops to border in response to Rick Moranis attack
OTTAWA – Following the news that Canadian national treasure Rick Moranis was assaulted in New York City, Prime Minister Trudeau has ordered the full Canadian Armed Forces to amass on the US…
Fuming Donald Trump tells Putin vaccine didn’t work
WASHINGTON – After testing positive for COVID-19, an irate U.S. President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin on Friday morning to tell him that the Russian-made vaccine he was g…
Global security threat infects global security threat
WASHINGTON – A dangerous threat to global stability and human health announced he has contracted a dangerous threat to global stability and human health. The deadly pair have ruined nationa…
Shredder refuses to denounce Foot Clan
NEW YORK CITY – After telling the Foot Clan to, “stand by”, prominent New York businessman and armoured, ninja guy, Shredder, is under heavy fire for his refusal to denounce the group. “I d…
