Canadian in line for COVID test recovers from virus by time he gets to the front

TORONTO – After waking up with mild flu-like symptoms a month ago, Peter Miller went to stand in line outside of Toronto Western Hospital to get tested for COVID. As of this morning, he happily a…

EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I made by choice

By Liz Peterson There’s been a lot of fuss made about kids going back to school during coronavirus. Every mommy blogger under the sun has been ‘gramming about “too soon” this and “superspreader e…

Schitt’s Creek Emmy sweep inspires Canadian government to add another nickel to arts funding jar

OTTAWA – After the beloved Canadian sitcom Schitt’s Creek walked away from yesterday’s Emmy Awards with 9 wins, the Canadian government was so buoyed by the show’s success that it decided to add …

Hastily drawn Tim Hortons Smile Cookie pleads for death at hand of cruel creator

COBURG, ON – With the end of Tim Hortons Smile Cookie Week approaching, one cookie in particular cried out for the sweet release of death after being drawn quickly by an employee during the…

Local friends get engaged just to spite you

OTTAWA – Your friends Daryl Hoover and Cheyenne Klein, who have spent all quarantine posting pictures of each other on social media, have decided to get engaged as a vengeful move against y…

Ford scolds people for irresponsibly following rules he set

QUEEN’S PARK – With a recent uptick in Covid 19 cases in the Toronto, Peel and Ottawa regions, Doug Ford has called on Ontarians to take all possible precautions, to keep indoor gathe…

Zack Snyder releases Justice League “Perfect Cut” which begins at end credits

HOLLYWOOD – Justice League fans are raving after Zack Snyder finally releases his perfect cut of the Justice League film which cuts everything except the end credits. “There was just so muc…

Ford announces all large weddings must now take place in classrooms

TORONTO – Amid concerns over rising coronavirus cases in Ontario, Doug Ford tightened social gathering limits in hotspot areas in order to stem the spread of the virus. As a result of the new num…

Breaking: National Post pretends to care about environment

TORONTO – Postmedia’s flagship publication is making a stalwart effort at pretending to care about environmental issues such as scrutinizing Justin Trudeau’s promise to plant 2 billion tree…

British Columbia claims it was just holding smoke for a friend

VANCOUVER – When confronted by Canadian authorities this morning regarding reports that it had been seen smoking in massive quantities throughout the week, British Columbia sheepishly mumbl…