TORONTO – Ashley Greenfield woke up this morning to discover that after weeks of putting off doing laundry and hand-washing her underwear in the sink, she was officially out of wearable clothing. Faced with a busy day and no other options, she was forced to pull an old clown suit out of her closet.
“I have been telling myself to go to the laundromat forever, but I just kept forgetting,” Greenfield admitted, grimly scanning the suit before giving the red nose a test honk to make sure it still worked. “So I guess I’m running errands today as ‘Ol’ Tickles the Funtime Clown.’ I haven’t worn this since my aunt forced me to buy it for my cousin’s baptism.”
“I mean, it’s this or go naked,” she grumbled, pulling on a giant curly rainbow wig. “I figure this way people might not recognize me and I can get through my day with only minimum humiliation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to paint half my face orange before going to the LCBO.”
Tammy Bolton, a mother of three who was taking her children for a walk, explained that while they were initially excited to see a clown, that thrill was quickly tampered by the smell of mothballs wafting from Greenfield’s general direction.
“I don’t think she’s a professional clown,” Bolton exclaimed after quickly ushering her children away. “We asked her if she could do a fun dance to entertain my kids and she just started half-heartedly twerking.”
“When my son asked her if she had any toys to give out she made a balloon animal from a dirty latex glove she found in the gutter before asking me if I had any spare change for the local laundromat. I don’t remember clowns in my day doing things like that.”
After a day of scaring small children and being chased by several dogs, Greenfield stated that she had learned her lesson.
“I’m doing laundry the second I get home,” she stated emphatically. “Unless I forget again, in which case I’m pretty sure I have a ‘zombie farmer’ costume from high school I can still fit into.”
Greenfield was last seen being kicked out of Loblaws after her two foot long blue shoes knocked over a scented candle display accompanied by a humiliating series of comical squeaks.