Man with 200% household debt could run Canada a lot better

AJAX, ON – Local homeowner and heavily indebted man Toby Kowalski is confident he could easily balance the national budget, lower taxes, and cut government waste. Kowalski provided his anal…

Beer and board games night ruined by beer and board games

SARNIA, ON- A local friendly gathering known as “Beer and board games night” quickly devolved into noisy, aggressive chaos after the appearance of beer and board games. The night was organi…

BREAKING: Archaeologists uncover the ballot that killed Adolf Hitler

BERLIN ─ After 85 years of searching, a team of archaeologists have finally uncovered what they believe to be the single ballot that killed Adolf Hitler. “This is simply astonishing work,” lead p…

Local highschooler thinks new wallet chain will prove he’s not fucking around this year

CALGARY, AB – Duncan Mckenzie believes the new chain connecting his quicksilver branded wallet to his pants is really going to turn some heads this year. “A lot of kids don’t seem to take m…

Egregious: Health Canada refuses to approve Dr. Cornelius Phineus Jedidiah’s Magic COVID Elixir

OTTAWA – Despite the continued threat of a pandemic, Health Canada continues to refuse Dr. Cornelius Phineas Jedidah’s Magic COVID Elixir as an approved drug. “Those bureaucrats don’t want …

Jason Kenney furious that throne speech didn’t contain a single poem praising the oil industry

EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has released a scathing response to this year’s throne speech in which he excoriated the federal government for not presenting a single sonnet, ode o…

Local man camps out overnight to be first in line for COVID test

MONTREAL – Local man Desmond Burns spent last night camped out in front of his local hospital in order to ensure he got the first COVID test. “My parents always told me stories about …

Straw man is idiot

By conservative voice of reason Dan Stapleton There’s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions, but it only takes a little bit of fact checkin…

Scientists confused, concerned after local man finishes spring mix salad pack before it gets gross

Thunder Bay, ON – Researchers at Lakehead University are baffled and more than a little distressed after discovering that local man Hunter Braddock finished an entire Spring Mix Salad packa…

Man with eyepatch tired of people assuming he’s interesting

BARRIE, ON – Local everyman Paul Huller is reportedly fed up with the misconception that he lives an exciting life due to the fact he wears an eyepatch. “I honestly don’t know where people …