Toronto bar enforces occupancy limit by starting open mic night
TORONTO – With the current pandemic requiring businesses to restrict the number of people inside, the management of downtown bar McTavish’s Pub have determined the most natural way to…
Inspiring! These men aren’t voting for Trump and that’s really how low the bar is at this point
In these challenging times, it’s important to stop and notice people standing up for good and doing the right thing. That’s why we should be grateful that, on the eve of the election, hundreds of…
In honor of election Baskin-Robbins now offering only 2 flavors of shitty ice cream
WASHINGTON, DC – Ice cream chain Baskin-Robbins recently came out with 2 new flavors of shitty ice cream to honor the upcoming US election. The specialty restaurant chain, famously known fo…
Anti-mask protest unites Toronto’s ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ communities
TORONTO – This weekend thousands gathered for an anti-mask protest in downtown Toronto which successfully combined the city’s notoriously exclusive ‘moron’ and ‘asshole’ constituencies. As …
Studies show monsters mashing earlier every year due to climate change
VICTORIA – After an exhaustive overview of decades of data including eyewitness accounts, the majority of monster experts have reached the conclusion that climate change has led to a signif…
Partner demanding you put away phone during movie overestimates how much attention Enola Holmes requires
TORONTO – After a pausing the movie they began watching for the twelfth time, couple Samira Haggarty and Calvin Delaney broke out into an explosive fight over whether or not Haggarty could …
White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing they’re the good guys
Pubnico, NS – The group of fishermen who have been waging a campaign to stop Mi’kmaq fishermen from exercising their treaty rights to engage in lobster fishing are confident that if t…
Toronto Sun using $600 million media bailout to write lazy articles: Sources
TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Sun and several of its journalists and columnists are cashing in on a taxpayer-funded bailout to write lazy, clickbait articles instead of …
Trump hoping he just gets fired so he can at least collect unemployment
WASHINGTON, DC – Recent reports have confirmed that President Donald Trump is hoping to get fired so he can at least collect unemployment. “I don’t know how much longer here I’ve got. My boss is …
Entire population taking the same goddamned hike at the same goddamn time
GATINEAU, QC – Reports indicate that every goddamned person out there and their dog is taking the same hike you’re taking. Billions gathered at the trailhead as an alternative to indoor act…
