Most gorgeous woman you’ve ever met dating local potato

Burnaby, BC – Local residents were shocked and confused to learn that 27-year old Rachel Besimille, a woman so gorgeous that she has caused many to re-evaluate the 1-10 rating scale entirel…

Rent luckily winding down the same time as CERB

OTTAWA – With millions still out of work due to the global pandemic, the federal government is stopping the $2000 Canadian Emergency Response Benefit after learning that rent would also be …

Entire world stocking up on celebration champagne “for no reason, just in case”

EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne, a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news, have spiked, with customers insisting it’s “not for any particular occasion” while si…

Premier Ford still not convinced flames shooting from neighbour’s house is sufficient evidence to call fire department

TORONTO – Despite heavy smoke and his neighbour screaming “my house is on fire,” Ontario Premier Doug Ford is not ready to call in the fire department. With flames shooting out of the attic…

“I don’t like him, but I gotta say Ford has risen to the occasion” says man to his dead grandmother

TORONTO – While he did not vote for Doug Ford, local man Daniel Waite has confided that he is pretty impressed with his handling of the COVID crisis to the body of his dead grandmother, who…

Friend asking if you’re doing Sober October this year can fuck all the way off

Selkirk, MB – During a recent Zoom hang your friend Matt asked if you will be refraining from drinking this month, because he’s a piece of shit who should shut his shit mouth. “…

As Gay Twitter reclaims #ProudBoys hashtag, Proud Boys change name to “Leather Men”

OTTAWA – In response to a demonstration by gay twitter users to reclaim the #ProudBoys hashtag, hate group the Proud Boys have distanced themselves from the LGBTQA+ community by renaming th…

Breaking: Stanley Cup won 6 days ago

TORONTO OR EDMONTON – Late reports indicate a team has won the NHL’s Stanley Cup nearly a week ago. The two ice hockey squads played four to seven matches sometime in late September for the…

Jason Kenney calls Alberta’s bountiful harvest a ‘godsend,’ oddly cagey about which god

EDMONTON – Jason Kenney has been celebrating the bumper harvest Alberta is expecting to bring in this year, but has been reticent to name which deity he holds responsible for this agricultu…

Bankrupt Trump kicked out of Walter Reed after health insurance declined

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has been kicked out of the Walter Reed Medical Centre after his Presidential Health Insurance Plan was denied. “Sir, you can not pay for this assessme…