OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19, the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year’s Eve with groups outside of their bubbles, and instead urged them to keep all celebratory kisses to members of their immediate family.
The notice, titled “Operation Keep It In The Family,” explained that interfamilial smooching was the only way to get to 2021 without a massive loss of life in the weeks to come, and while having “aggressively hot cousins” around to swap spit with would obviously make the experience easier, everyone will have to make do with who they have in their home at the time.
Minister of Health Patty Hajdu held a press conference after the statement was issued to assure Canadians that the advice was strictly about flattening the curve, and not about “getting weird with your weirdly attractive step-siblings.”
“Listen, we just can’t have people out and about kissing sexy strangers in crowded bars. That’s how the virus wins” she explained. “We win by spending the evening only kissing our parents, siblings, and maybe the family dog if he’s into it.”
“We have all spent this past year really getting to know our families better and becoming closer with one another,” she added. “So this is just taking things to the next level. Let’s all band together to save lives and go into the New Year with a healthy dose of new intergenerational trauma.”
PHAC’s advisory was met with immediate praise from provincial leaders, with Ontario premier Doug Ford insisting that he and his family had already made celebratory cottage smooching plans.
“Folks, it’s very important to stay safe,” Ford insisted. “The only lips that should be touching yours New Year’s Eve are those you love in a familial, platonic way. So take it from me: I won’t be kissing anyone unless it’s my wife- or, of course, the CEO of a big business.”
The health notice made sure to state that anyone celebrating New Year’s without their immediate family could link up and make out with one household of their choice.