A spokesperson for Menstruation Inc. announced at a press conference last Friday that the company is launching a new product in the new year. Aptly named ‘Oops, all farts’, the new product resembles the old model Period Shits both in the foreboding intestinal sensation it causes in the user, as well as in the urgency with which it sends them running for a toilet. Once there, however, rather than the usual deluge, users can expect to undergo “the human whoopee cushion experience.”
The announcement caused quite a stir, as it marks the first addition to the brand since the company’s creation. Experts speculate that this historic lack of innovation despite the widely unpopular nature of their products stems from half the human population’s automatic and compulsory forty-year subscription to their services. In keeping with this total disregard for customer experience, the company was delighted to confirm that focus groups indicate both products, whether used independently or in tandem, are equally dissatisfactory.
The likely cause for this change in strategy is the replacement of recently retired creative director of operations Florence “Aunt Flo” Sanguinelle. The company is planning several major changes now helmed by Sanguinelle’s daughter, the much younger and self-proclaimed “prankster” Flo (of former Progressive car insurance fame). Sources close to Sanguinelle claim that the upheaval began with the scatological department because of the possibility of targeting a much wider market by collaborating with other giants in the bodily fluid industry such as IBS&co., Hangovers R Us, and Food Poisoning Ltd., all members of the cabal known as Big Shit.
Fans of the company can also look out for collaborations with platforms like Buzzfeed on quizzes such as “Do you need to pee again, or is your diva cup pressing on your bladder?”, and “Choose how many pickles to stick into this ice cream sundae and we’ll tell you how many days away you are from staining your freshly changed white sheets”; as well as an extensive ad campaign featuring their detested mascot Bloody Mary.