Partner demanding you put away phone during movie overestimates how much attention Enola Holmes requires

TORONTO – After a pausing the movie they began watching for the twelfth time, couple Samira Haggarty and Calvin Delaney broke out into an explosive fight over whether or not Haggarty could …

White Nova Scotia fishermen sure they’re only one more violent assault away from nation realizing they’re the good guys

Pubnico, NS – The group of fishermen who have been waging a campaign to stop Mi’kmaq fishermen from exercising their treaty rights to engage in lobster fishing are confident that if t…

Toronto Sun using $600 million media bailout to write lazy articles: Sources

TORONTO – Early reports indicate that the Toronto Sun and several of its journalists and columnists are cashing in on a taxpayer-funded bailout to write lazy, clickbait articles instead of …

Trump hoping he just gets fired so he can at least collect unemployment

WASHINGTON, DC – Recent reports have confirmed that President Donald Trump is hoping to get fired so he can at least collect unemployment. “I don’t know how much longer here I’ve got. My boss is …

Entire population taking the same goddamned hike at the same goddamn time

GATINEAU, QC – Reports indicate that every goddamned person out there and their dog is taking the same hike you’re taking. Billions gathered at the trailhead as an alternative to indoor act…

GOP proves existence of election fraud by committing election fraud

LOS ANGELES – The California Republican Party has announced “smoking gun” evidence of statewide election fraud, the existence of which has been a cornerstone of GOP efforts to delegitimize …

Nova Scotia RCMP claim they’re not racist since they can’t protect white people either

DIGBY, NS – After being accused of racism for allowing white fishermen to destroy Indigenous lobster fisheries, the RCMP clarified that they can’t protect anyone regardless of race. “Whoa, …

“Somebody should call the police,” say NS RCMP officers watching van being torched

NEW EDINBURGH, NS – A group of RCMP officers watched helplessly as white lobster fisherman broke into an Indigenous fishery, vandalized property, and set fire to a van. Armed with semi-auto…

Pizza Pizza to start delivering gross slice you only buy because it’s 2am and you’re drunk

TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they …

Super Mario 3D All-Stars Review: Your family doesn’t love you, only Mario loves you

Super Mario 3D All-Stars: 4/5 stars – Lets-a-go back in time with the new Super Mario 3D All-Stars collection including Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine, and Super Mario Galaxy which af…