Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter

WHITEHORSE – The people of Yukon refused to turn their clocks back an hour today in clear defiance of the goddess Demeter. This has sparked concern from the priests and priestesses in charg…

Fans across globe salute Sean Connery’s passing with terrible, terrible impressions

WORLDWIDE — All around the world, fans of Sean Connery are observing his passing with just the absolute worst impressions of the revered film icon. “Thish ish indeed a shad day for oll ush …

Manitoba government responds to packed ICUs with 100 new #RestartMB ads

WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is swiftly responding to the surge of COVID-19 cases in the province with 100 new, state-of-the-art billboards and radio advertisements encouragi…

Canadian vampires can’t agree if blood should come in bags, jugs, or cartons

CALGARY – Canada’s vampire community is once again embroiled in the age-old question of whether it’s more Canadian to drink blood from a bag, a jug, or a carton. “I think it all comes down …

Local man who always cobbles together Halloween costume last minute grateful he only has to do top half this year

EDMONTON — As Halloween draws near, local masters student Paul McBride is grateful that, unlike previous years, COVID-19 restrictions mean he only has to furiously cobble together the top half of…

Chef Boyardee rebrands to “Depression Chow”

MILTON, PA – The popular meal-adjacent product Chef Boyardee has announced its plan to simply rebrand to “Depression Chow.” Marketing director Joshua Alden explained that the change coincid…

Doug Ford vows to find budget cut that will stop COVID

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced on Monday that he will stem the rising number of COVID cases by implementing a strategy that has always worked for his administration in the pa…

Mental health experts recommend eating a block of Parmesan over the sink and lying about it

In these difficult times, many are struggling to maintain good mental health in the face of social isolation and economic uncertainty. Health experts warn that it’s important to make time and spa…

American man not patriotic enough to vote in upcoming election

OTTAWA – US citizen Andrew Scheer has disappointed his fellow countrymen by refusing to participate in the upcoming US election, sources confirm. Scheer’s lack of care for the future of his…

Ford: “When I blamed young people for spreading COVID, I didn’t mean my MPPs”

TORONTO – In response to photos of Ontario’s youngest MPP, Sam Oosterhoff, posing indoors in a tightly gathered group of roughly 40 unmasked people, premier Doug Ford explained that althoug…