OTTAWA – Canada is pleased as punch that its closest friend and neighbour is no longer in a long-term relationship with a real piece of shit.
“It’s hard, when you see a powerful nation, one you care about, being controlled by the personification of absolute garbage,” Canada said, having a glass of champagne to celebrate the breakup.
“When all this started, I tried to tell America, ‘sweetie, this man is trash, the worst trash I’ve ever seen, do not get involved with him’ and I was ignored, which is fine, whatever, I was right, but whatever. I’m just glad to see this man finally be dumped like the trash I knew he was this whole time.”
Canada is no stranger to watching the U.S. enter into relationships with terrible men, but this time it felt different. “There was a self-destructive aspect to it, like, choosing this man was evidence either that the U.S. was intentionally hitting its rock bottom, or was giving up entirely and preparing to sink even lower.”
“He was abusive and isolating and stupid and crass, and, I know this shouldn’t matter, but he wasn’t even attractive. Like, if you’re going to get involved with an asshole, he should at least be easy on the eyes or have a nice singing voice or something, like, c’mon, have a single standard.”
“Thankfully, it’s looking like this guy turned out to be rock bottom after all, and now that he’s gone, maybe the U.S. can figure out why it keeps getting involved with horrible men. I don’t wanna judge, but it’s a bit of a pattern at this point.”
While Canada is unwilling to discuss its own checkered history of relationships with men (or that one time with a woman), it’s hopeful that the U.S. will learn and grow from this experience and won’t fall back into old habits the next time an authoritarian with a history in show biz tells it he thinks it could be so great again if it tried.
Canada is optimistic about the new guy America has settled on, who Canada knows isn’t perfect but is still much better for the U.S. than the last one. “But, honestly, at this point I think the U.S. really could use a break from men altogether.”