LONDON, UK – Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that, as a measure to combat the new strain of COVID-19, residents of the United Kingdom will only be permitted to leave their homes for the purposes of colonizing a sovereign country.
“We think we’ve made the right call here,” said Prime Minister Johnson as he addressed the nation on Wednesday. “We don’t want to encourage the spread of the more infectious strain of coronavirus. But we do want to encourage the spread of British customs, preferably by force to people who have absolutely no interest in them.”
After the new lockdown measures take effect, UK citizens found outside their homes will be expected to present ID, proof of address, and a map showing the coordinates of a rich preexisting culture that does not yet have pictures of Queen Elizabeth II on their money.
“It’s been hard, not being able to get out of the house or see loved ones,” said Olivia Clarke, current resident of Southend-on-Sea and aspiring self-proclaimed Governor of the independent nation of Mozambique. “We’ve had to give up so many of our important British traditions. So I’m glad to hear we’ll be hanging on to the most important British tradition of all – showing up uninvited at the homes of people who don’t want our help, and using violence to make them fear a God they never believed in.”
“Oh, and mincemeat pies,” Ms Clarke added. “We also bring mincemeat pies. Such fun.”
When asked if colonized peoples would be allowed to move to Britain, Ms Clarke shouted that immigrants cannot be trusted to respect English culture and stomped off down to the street to look for an Indian curry takeaway.