Report: India’s lockdown leads to 500% drop in white people finding themselves
TORONTO – According to a report released by the University of Toronto, the COVID-19 travel restrictions in India has led to a 500% decrease in white Canadians “just finding themselves…
Doug Ford promotes trickle-down approach to vaccine distribution
TORONTO – As he took a photo op with people receiving their second dose of the COVID vaccine while thousands of other doses sit in freezers, Ontario Premier Doug Ford maintained his governm…
Perfume sample in magazine announces Dior’s latest scent, “Magazine Page”
TORONTO – Readers of Elle were treated to a delightful surprise in this month’s issue with the inclusion of a scented insert promoting Dior’s newest fragrance. Dior has confirmed that longt…
Local comedian doesn’t even know how to do any offensive accents
TORONTO, ON – 22-year-old comedian Kyle Johnson has been called out by his family and friends for being unable to do any offensive accents. The problem began when his father, Keith Johnson,…
Bloc Leader caught visiting foreign country of Canada
QUEBEC – Bloc Québécois Leader Yves-François Blanchet has been accused of repeatedly visiting the foreign country of Canada during numerous lockdowns issued by Quebec. Blanchet allegedly vi…
Goldfish purchased to teach classroom about mortality no longer really necessary
Whitby, ON – The goldfish that elementary school teacher Lenore Kerdwin acquired in order to acclimatize her students to loss has become irrelevant in light of recent events. “I thoug…
Explorers discover uncharted tropical island populated entirely by Canadian politicians
SOMEWHERE OFF THE COAST OF CUBA – Explorers have stumbled upon an entirely uncharted island between Cuba and Jamaica with a population that consists solely of Canadian politicians on holida…
Breaking: Alberta UCP MLA caught not taking international vacation during pandemic
EDMONTON – An Alberta UCP MLA has been caught not taking an international vacation causing swift condemnation from Premier Jason Kenney. While the MLA has not been named yet, sources say Ke…
Local man makes New Year’s Resolution not to make New Year’s Resolutions, fails
SASKATOON, SK – A local man who resolved not to make any New Year’s resolutions for 2021 has already failed to follow through. Will Knotts, 33, has been historically unlucky with his New Ye…
Canada now requires travelers test negative for politician before international travel
OTTAWA- After a huge jump in cases, the federal government has now mandated that all international passengers must test negative for politician. “The cases are growing at an alarming rate,&…
