Porch pirate disappointed stolen package only contains COVID vaccine
TORONTO – An opportunistic thief has been let down by his latest score after lifting the unattended UPS delivery from a hospital porch. “What the hell am I going to do with this?” said Tad …
Indoor restaurant builds separate indoor restaurant on sidewalk in order to work within COVID guidelines
Barrie, ON – Local restaurants have brilliantly adapted to the new COVID guidelines by building smaller but still fully enclosed restaurants outside their original restaurant. “People are n…
Op-Ed: Dr. Jill, kiddo, a bit of advice here: drop the “Biden”
by Joe Weitzmann Madame First Lady — Dr. Jill— kiddo: a bit of advice on what may seem like a small but I think is a not unimportant matter. Drop the “Biden.” Take it from me, a white man old eno…
Legault to reinstate holiday gatherings if Quebecers promise to kiss on only one cheek
Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings, Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them o…
Trudeau using December downtime to plan out 2021 ethics violations
OTTAWA, ON – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is making the most of the slow period at work before the holidays to plan out future scandals to embroil the Liberal government for months on e…
Impoverished man doesn’t have to pay back CERB after claiming he was a profiteering corporation
OTTAWA – A self-employed man on the brink of bankruptcy no longer has to pay back his COVID relief benefits after explaining to the CRA that he already gave the $6,000 to corporate sharehol…
Report: Trump has now lost the election more times than every other Presidential candidate combined
WASHINGTON D.C. – After the Supreme Court refused to even hear Texas’ effort to overturn the results of the Presidential election, Donald Trump has now lost a presidential election more tim…
Ford moving York Region into lockdown now that everyone from Peel and Toronto have had time to do their shopping there
TORONTO – The provincial government today announced their intention to send York Region into the grey zone of Ontario’s COVID-19 framework now that both Toronto and Peel residents have had …
Desperate Trump demands recount in New Brunswick
MONCTON, NB – Following unsuccessful recounts in Wisconsin and Georgia, along with mounting court challenges, Trump is now demanding a recount in the Canadian maritime province of New Bruns…
Star Wars fans excited about new series starring Gleep Glorp, or whoever the fuck
BURBANK, CA – Yesterday, the Walt Disney Company announced 10 new Star Wars TV series starring beloved characters like Dorfus Kent, Ultra Moff Charlie, and Fudge Offal, or some nonsense like that…
