LONDON – UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson held an urgent press conference this morning to inform those who didn’t already know that his hair still looks like an old hay mop that’s missing some strands.
“I just think the people needed a reminder after the other scarecrow headed man in power lost the US election,” Johnson stated, trying to be sexy while running his fingers through his hair but only managing to get his hand caught in the mess and then pretending he meant to leave it there for the rest of the conference. “That’s why I’ve assembled every major reporter and photographer in London. Look at my hair, it’s still like this.”
After this statement, Johnson took questions. Many reporters asked about the 100,000 deaths in the UK due to Covid-19. Johnson kept ignoring the question, turning to the nearest camera, and asking if he should get frosted tips, or maybe a faux-hawk.
Reporter Claire Huxton claimed Johnson got the reporters there under false pretences. “He said it was something about the vaccines”, Huxton said. “But when asked, he said he meant Pantene, a shampoo company that asked him to stop using their products so people don’t think it’s the shampoo that makes his hair look like that.”
“Shame on me though, right? It’s the third time this month he’s done this.”
Johnson also gave everyone a run-down of his very English morning haircare routine, which included lathering up with a Shepherd’s Pie, rinsing it out with the steam from a fresh made cuppa tea, and then driving around London with the top down on his Range Rover while singing Rule Britannia.
“Finally, I wring the grease out of my fish and chips breakfast and just shake like a wet Cavalier King Charles spaniel. I’m a regular lad. Whole thing takes about 4 hours. Then I’m ready to govern.”
At the end of the press conference, when a reporter asked about Brexit, Boris did a silly little dance and said “oh look at my hair! I’m so quirky!” Before attempting a forward moonwalk and running away.