TORONTO – As another tax season approaches, financial experts suggest that the best way to prepare for retirement is to sneak a bunch of new numbers into your bank’s database and hope for the best. “...
Editorial: All I wanted for Christmas is you hitting your performance goals
TORONTO – Hey, thanks for jumping on this call. I’m just going to go ahead and record, if that’s ok, thanks. I wanted to put this 1:1 in your calendar during the awkward three days between Chri...
Slinky tired of bending over backwards for your entertainment
CHICAGO, IL – Last Friday, after being pushed down an escalator and forced to perform for hours on end, Slinky reached its breaking point. “I’m tired of bending over backwards for yo...
Researchers discover rare breed of Canadian tuxedo cat
GUELPH, ON – The scientific community celebrated a groundbreaking discovery this week, with researchers uncovering the existence of a Canadian tuxedo cat. The feline in question, whom researchers have...
Carney, Zelensky meet in Halifax to boost Ukraine defence by enlisting Barrett’s Privateers
HALIFAX – Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney will meet today with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the Nova Scotian city of Halifax, where the two will set about turning the of Russia...
Defective Vorpal Blade goes Snacker-Snick
WONDERLAND – In a shocking move Wednesday, L. Carroll Enterprises, manufacturer of the popular Vorpal Blade line of self-defence devices, has issued a product-wide recall after a large batch of blades...
“This is totally the World Juniors” says woman trying to trick her boyfriend into watching Heated Rivalry
SUDBURY, ON – Local girlfriend Ashlynn Timbers is currently monitoring her boyfriend as he watches the program she told him was the World Juniors Hockey Tournament, but is in fact the steamy gay...
American media’s cowardice no match for Canadian media’s incompetence
TORONTO – As CBS News under Bari Weiss leads the charge of American media kowtowing to the Trump administration by deleting a story about the torture of migrants, there is one thing they didn...
Carney urges Canadians to make holiday donations to struggling shareholders
OTTAWA – In light of economic difficulties facing the nation, Prime Minister Mark Carney reminded Canadians to pause their own holiday celebrations and give generously to billionaire shareholder...
Trudeau unsure how many autographed headshots Katy Perry will want for Christmas
OTTAWA – Finishing out the last of his holiday shopping, former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly asked aides how many autographed 8×10 photographs of himself to gift to his new ...
