OTTAWA – U.S. Ambassador to Canada Pete Hoekstra says American officials are warning Canadians not to interfere in the upcoming U.S. midterm elections, while also ordering them to prepare to accept the brunt of Republicans’ blame after the lose both the House and Senate.
“Listen up you goose-humping snow pussies,” Hoekstra said to a visiting group of Parliament Hill tourists. “We know you sneaky Canucks are going to attack our midterms completely unprovoked, by doing things like ‘targeting your tariffs’ or ‘demonstrating how a functional democracy actually works’. So knock it the fuck off!”
Ambassador Hoekstra paused briefly to spit on a photo of Rick Moranis, before continuing to issue demands.
“Now that you’re all too fucking terrified of us to meddle in our elections, which I know you were,” Hoekstra added, “that should leave you double-double dipshits plenty of time to get ready for President Trump and the rest of the GOP to fully blame you for costing them the election due to the election interference that I just scared you out of!”
Hoekstra went on to list other “culprits” who will be blamed for the almost-certain Republican defeat, including Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Joe Biden, Jimmy Kimmel, the WNBA, and Eric Trump.
In a related story, President Trump continues to campaign by assuring voters “Whether you vote for the Republican candidate or not, I personally promise you that ICE will come shoot you in the face.”
