Wanna feel old? Your childhood dog is dead and everything you care about is meaningless

Hey Millennials! Isn’t McDonalds still selling pizza? Aren’t acid washed jeans still in style? Aren’t we all enjoying life in its simple banality? Sorry fam, but the bogus truth is that time cont…

Ford slams epidemiologist for anti-pandemic bias

QUEEN’S PARK – In a victory for public health, Premier Ford issued a statement condemning a member of Ontario’s Science Advisory Table for advocating on behalf of public health. A rec…

Innovation win! Schoolyard bully thriving as cyberbully

CAMBRIDGE, ON – Another win for innovation! This former schoolyard bully is thriving as a cyberbully. Carter O’Leary, a local 10 year old student and former low-ranking schoolyard bully at …

Financial sector aghast the poors are gaming system designed to be gamed by the rich

WALL STREET – A group of Redditors have bankrupted a hedge fund by betting on GameStop stock and the financial industry is furious and frightened by the fact that this shock to the markets …

Made-in-Canada vaccine is honestly just happy to be here

NATIONWIDE – A made-in-Canada vaccine has begun human clinical trials this week and sources reveal that it’s just happy to be in the mix. “I guess we’re a little late to the party, eh?” sai…

Boston Pizza announces some new $37 dollar “Cheesegetti with Hamburger” garbage 

RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food.  “Boston Pizza is proud to be the restau…

Leafs finally discover key to success: not being in same division as Boston

TORONTO – Having started the 2021 NHL season with a record of 6-2 the ever disappointing Toronto Maple Leafs believe they have finally found what works for them: no longer having to play th…

Fear of failure completely justified

LONDON, ON – A recent study from Western University has determined that your fear of failure is completely justified. The study – lead by esteemed Sociology Professor John Daniels and…

Ford confident dead Ontarians would’ve been much happier seeing COVID funding used to balance his budget

QUEEN’S PARK – With Ontario sitting on $6.4 billion in unallocated pandemic-relief funds, more than any other province, Premier Doug Ford assured Ontarians that using those funds to balance…

COVID restrictions forces billionaires to play non-human version of chess

MONTENEGRO – With pandemic restrictions putting strict limits on the size of gatherings, many plutocrats around the world are finding they must now play chess with the original pieces, as o…