Theodore Tugboat gets stuck in northwest passage
ARCTIC OCEAN – This morning it was discovered that beloved East Coast icon Theodore Tugboat has been caught in a narrow portion of the Northwest Passage, resulting in a bottleneck of ships …
New Georgia law gives voters AR-15s to protect themselves from criminals trying to give them food and water
ATLANTA — The state of Georgia passed a new elections law on Thursday mandating all future voters be issued an AR-15 assault rifle to protect themselves from violent criminals trying to pro…
Re-opening escape room owners find dozens of trapped corpses
WINNIPEG – As escape rooms around Canada get back to business, owners are discovering the emaciated corpses of players who couldn’t solve their puzzles when they were forced to close. “It looks …
Editorial: We’re getting through the entire damn Seder this Passover or so help me I will end you all – by Uncle Morris
As everyone knows I have just one responsibility in this world, and that is to lead us all through the annual exercise in futility that is the Feinstein family Passover seder. And after 16 consec…
Goals! How these two millennials managed to buy a home in Toronto
TORONTO – The Toronto housing market is on fire right now, but these two millennials still managed to afford a home in the city with a few easy tricks! “We were both able to monetize how we…
Doug Ford reassures Ontarians that vaccines sitting in freezers will be sold at enormous profit
TORONTO – Under pressure for keeping thousands of doses of vaccines in storage rather than administer them, Premier Ford reassured Ontarians this morning that these vaccines will be sold to…
Supreme Court rules carbon tax constitutional after invoking ‘We’re All Gonna Fucking Die’ principle
OTTAWA – The Supreme Court of Canada held that Justin Trudeau’s imposition of the carbon tax was constitutional as a result of the little known ‘if we don’t do something we’re gonna be real…
Real estate agents confirm your parents must die before you can afford to buy a house
NATIONWIDE – With real estate prices once again booming after a slight COVID-related decline, Canada’s real estate agents have officially confirmed what many have suspected for some t…
NHL finally finds the one bad referee causing officiating problems in all games
TORONTO – The NHL has announced that referee Tim Peel will no longer be working NHL games after being caught on mic saying that he wanted to give a penalty to one team regardless of infract…
Liberals attack Conservative party for not acknowledging then ignoring climate change
OTTAWA – The Liberals have wasted no time in denouncing Conservative MPs for belonging to a party that refused to acknowledge the reality of climate change at their recent policy convention…
